Hi everyone, thanks for this sub it's been really helpful to be here.

This is my situation:

I've been relatively solo poly for decades. I'm 52 year old bisexual male and have traveled a lot. Four years ago a wonderful beautiful bi woman (40) was very drawn to me at a conference and started a friendship. We emailed a lot and I made it clear I'm poly and would not start any relationship with her since she is married and her husband doesn't want polyamory.

We continued to be in touch and finally she told me her husband, after a lot of pressure, agreed. This is of course poly under duress but it was enough for me to feel ethically ok about being lovers with her. Maybe that was a mistake, but what happened next made it worth it.

We began a soul expanding sexual relation that blew both our minds. Her marriage was basically dead bedroom with her husband not interested in listening to her. Her libido had been shut down. Together with me she ignited into a journey of sexual awakening and empowerment. The sex just kept getting better and better, more heartful and spiritual and passionate, as she became more and more confident. Our friendship deepened to BFF status as we discovered more and more in common. We became deeper and deeper in love with each other. Her career and personal empowerment and confidence have blossomed. When I see her beautiful face my heart soars.

During this she has wanted to get her husband to embrace things. He hasn't. He has been really controlling and hostile to her, she hasn't felt free to even be my friend, hides talking and meeting with me to avoid enraging him, etc. I made it clear I needed honesty but at times she revealed she hadn't told him we were seeing each other, she lied or concealed to be with me, and in many ways wasn't always honest. She slowly works on him opening but he doesn't. I wonder why I keep putting energy into this.

I should have ended things as soon as I saw this pattern but I love her very much. Dishonesty isn't ok and the drama has been just a waste. We did try taking breaks for 6 mos. I gave her an ultimatum that she needed to go into counseling with him to get clearer.

All during this she has expressed how her husband holds her back and they just cant make sex satisfying and the relationship just doesn't work -- but at the same time she is with him as a best friend and really needs a life partner living together. They have low rent in the SF Bay and she hasn't felt free to step away from that. Most importantly she is afraid of being alone and not in partnership on her own - she hasn't really ever been alone and when she has in the past she has started to fall apart. She's afraid of being left to live independently.

I have been really clear I can't play rescuer here. I don't want to tell her, Let's be partners and live together just leave your husband. Why? Because I've wanted to know she wants to be with me not just wants to not be alone. I know I love her but I can't predict or promise how it would be if we partnered and tried to cohabitate. I know any partnership needs a trial period living together and I don't want her to leave her husband, partner with me, have it not work out between us, then for her to be alone again and miserable. I'm afraid it would be too much pressure on me to stay partners with her because she needs a partner - any partner.

I'm also hesitant to rescue her out of her marriage because I'm not sure - she doesn't seem to really /on her own/ want polyamory. Maybe she only wants it because I've made it clear that's who I am, so I'm afaid it's not sustainable.

She sounds very open to poly - for example she understands her fears of abandonment when hearing about me and other lovers can be addressed with agreements about us staying in touch and spending time and being clear about how much I tell her about my romantic life. She is 100% inspired by the honesty and openness about feelings that poly presents. She also has a nonsexual cuddle partner and is interested in exploring sexuality more as she gets more confident and empowered with her body. She just has never been in a poly relationship before and knows she gets really afraid of being left alone.

So now in my life I am feeling a strong pull to settle more and travel less. I want to move back to the SF Bay and restart my life there. Housing is hard. And she is now sounding clearer than she ever has that she is leaving her husband. They haven't had sex in 7 mos and she's making moves to leave.

My question is this:

Am I free to suggest to her we move in together to an apartment as a trial relationship, with both of us free to see other lovers/romantic interests/cuddle partners or whatever? Am I free to risk her leaving her husband to be with me even if it doesn't work out between us (no guarantees in life) and she might go into a tailspin if we can't keep being together and she ends up alone - without me and without her husband?

I love her very much and imagine we would continue. I just can't promise it would work out to make her feel less afraid to leave her husband. I've told her "Don't leave him to be with me, leave him because you don't want to be with him." I also can't live under pressure to stay her partner to protect her from being alone. My own fears maybe?

Let me know any advice. I'm on the threshold here of just saying Let's move in together and be partners, leave your husband. It would help her a lot of course and speed up a process that seems to already be a foregone conclusion.

Thank a lot everyone ~~