it's me folks it's the day of the dead and i've decided to reanimate myself to bring you all up to speed on the adventures of Randy Interface: Shithead Extraordinaire

so uh sorry for the radio silence i mean like idk i hope you guys are fine with a few extra long blips in my "schedule" (lmao throwback to the gigapause amirite gamers thats a homestuck reference vriska is hot) just like yknow motivation again it feels like i just use this all the time as a scapegoat to justify not getting anything done from doing schoolwork to making it to class to making audios to covering a song i really really like to listening and responding to the AMAs i always like to listen to to keeping up with youtube series to making a response to when my good man pacitac did that big iron cover to making a response to when my good man pacitac had to stop making audios to doing my laundry to getting out of bed to not eating a handful of sweetarts and at least 10 oreos for breakfast to filling my water bottle to taking a piss

but like idk theres always been that idea that it's all my fault in the back of my head continuing to hammer away at the hopeful wishful thinking that none of it is my fault and i mean i have a diagnosis and other evidence to suggest how little i can do to help being a useless sack of shit (or at the very least a not-very-good-at-getting-things-done sack of wasted potential) but this has proven to be one of these deep ingrained things that no amount of rational thinking can help bend into the proper shape and i mean it kinda sucks lmao

anyway im not dead so thats a plus (and if i drop off the face of the earth here you can probably assume ive just kinda lost motivation again) so i mean i wanted you all to know that

then uh i forget what else i was gonna say but i mean im sorry? i guess? i know i dont owe anyone anything but i still just feel kind of like ive failed you all (though i know thats false like if a friend were saying that to me i would be forthright and friend concerned text yelling at them for how much they did and they just considered not to count but it seems i have tons of trouble being accountable for myself in the same way others can be for me so)

still though the burden of knowing how much you could have done and would have done and should have done but you just didnt do can drive you up the wall (and then take you for a ride on the ceiling and then i mean no rules at that point) and i sometimes wonder if my avoidance of confronting it by doing fun things like video games is unhealthy because i dont want to avoid my problems and pretend they dont exist and yet i dont want to confront my problems and feel so down that it gets even further in the way of my already crippled functioning (and also potentially doesn't even help lmao) but it can be a slog guys like ive said this before but i dont wish this on anyone like i just kinda feel like one of those SCPs that arent dangerous but are just really sad and all you end up doing is feeling bad for them but theres nothing that can be done

really wish i could just tell myself to do something and do it. why is it not that simple. god. damn.

every day. circling the drain. little by little. less done. more distraction. recall and forget. don't think about your falling grades. don't think about your audio stagnation. don't think about your cluttered room.

too much work for monkey mind to handle. give me my instant reward, says the monkey mind. where are my fucking bananas, says the monkey. get the fuck out of my way responsibility and courtesy, says the wild primate, swatting them aside and commandeering the wheel. yes, my bananas. says captain chimp. the bananas are locked in this mobile game. i have to play. fuck off, moderation. fuck off, rationality. fuck off, hunger and thirst. captain chimp says, doggedly steering through the motions in the mobile game until the phone dies or withdrawal gives the good captain a big big bat to the forehead.

but hey at least i dont have cancer