The concept of Limerence was first introduced to me as the precursor of love. It’s the overwhelming desire to be with the object of your obsession and to have your feelings reciprocated. It’s often characterized by intrusive thoughts and can impact how you behave around this person- leading you to take or avoid action with hopes they will notice you.

When limerence is returned or two individuals are limerent over one another, the wave will eventually crest and retreat. It’s not intended to be a very long lasting phase of romantic development.

This is tricky for me because I love feeling romantically fixated. The dopamine hit, the thrill of a new and seemingly meaningful connection, the domineering and singular focus quieting all my other roaring thoughts is just magic for me. Limerence isn’t something I experience often but the few times in my life it’s come up, it eventually fades into actually love as the honeymoon period gives way to a real relationship. My obsession calms or is funneled into nurturing the relationship or growing the Ds dynamic. My most recent bout did not lead to such an ending and has left me ruminating on the experience of limerence a Ds context.

Who gets to obsess?

Within the context of BDSM or power exchange, there are very few if not no acts that are strictly dominant or submissive. I believe the context around the act is what sets the tone.

I am curious if that’s true as it relates to limerence and obsession. To be the object of another’s obsession comes with an inherent kind of power. It could be similar to the kind of power a submissive has to safeword in a scene but this feels materially different. I think so many male subs are trained by the culture of femdom to expect to have to chase, compete and continually prove their worth to a lifestyle dominant that eagerness in a domme is offputting. They are so conditioned to anticipate rejection even from us within the lifestyle or at best a cool welcome that loud and enthusiastic joy over ownership can become off putting and destabilizing. They are skeptical. The doubt registeres as ‘…wait aren’t I supposed to be the one obsessed and chasing’? It’s frustrating how traditional gender roles seem encoded in our counter cultural little lifestyle. When I chat with subs on this topic they mention it can lead to triggering The Ick. It’s too empowering, too subversive of their ideal. After all we seek to know god, god doesn’t seek to know us. So the concept of a Domme who is obessed with their sub is my ideal but seems a bit uncommon.

Is there a way a dominant lady can claim and obsess and not give away her power? I’m not sure beyond mutual vulnerability. Maybe if a sub wants to be owned in that way- maybe if the content for my obsession is expressed through micromanagement and surveillance kinks. It had to be coated in something that reenforces the power dynamic becuase on its own it’s too empowering for the object of my obsession. That reality bums me out but makes sense in a way.