Each one of these entries might be damning, but it's who I am. Wrote the below to my LW's mother (changed names):

I've been getting involved in new social groups for the last couple of weeks. Expanding my friends network. Been challenging. I don't have very strong social skills. I thought that I can't just focus on [LW]. On what I lost. I need something to live for in the now. I need some human connection. I've been ignoring my pain. Trying to not let it affect my emotions and socialize and make friends. I talked with new therapist only one time now and this came up. She asked if I'm focusing on this to try and replace / fill the void. I admitted I've thought of that. Besides talking with my therapist that one time, I've put the grief on the back burner. Haven't read, support groups (some accidental), etc. Doesn't stop the random cry fits, but I've been blocking all of it out of my mind as much as I could.

After that night where I was not doing well emotionally at all, the next morning I picked up the It's OK that You're Not OK book and opened it to where my bookmark was at. Chapter 8. Page 101. "How (and why) to stay alive." Well this feels personal...

It really started to hit home on page 104. "Surviving pain: keeping your eye one the broken place." paragraph 2 and 3 are a little odd, but paragraph 4 called me out.

"The challenge is to stay present in your heart, to your heart, to your own deep self, even, and especially, when that self is broken. Pain wants to be heard. It deserves to be heard. Denying or minimizing the reality of the pain makes it worse. Telling the truth about the immensity of your pain--which is another way of paying attention--makes things different, if not better."

I can't handle thinking about just how much I lost. I've been ripped in two. Exposed flesh searing with pain constantly reminding me of my injury. It's mind boggling--we would constantly just stop and exclaim," Holy shit! We're together. We found each other. How is this possible? How did we find our PERFECT match?"--it's mind boggling to think about how much we needed each other and how much we fit. And that's gone. I'm alone. To deal with all of this.

Im sorry I scared you [the other night]. I'm better. Well, I'm back in my center which is overwhelming but not feeling detached from everything.

I'm not sure how to deal with all this and I can't just stay here ALL the time. I need a break sometimes, but I'm not doing well with finding a meaningful, fulfilling way to step away. I'm working on it, but it's challenging and sometimes more draining.

This is nuts. This seems made up. It hurts when I think about and remember the degree to which I loved [her].

Anyway. That's where I'm at right now. How bout you? 😬