I hate giving my back story with what I'm dealing with right now.

I'm exploring who I am, something that I haven't been able to doing for a number of reasons, and I feel a lot of judgment when people hear about my most recent... major life change.

I realized just today, this morning while considering getting my tongue pierced, that my best friend's suicide really fucked up my life.

I currently have my nipples pieced. Had that done 4-15-2023. I was separated from my abusive ex sometime in November, 2020. Legally divorced 12-10-2021. A marriage I went into mainly bc of past unresolved trauma. So about 3 years after getting away from that toxic situation and rebuilding my life, I started to except my sexuality and kinks (again?).

You see, I had my tongue and nipples and ears pierced back in my late teens / early 20's. Best friend kills himself and depression and hopelessness set in. Life seems meaningless. My friend was an atheist. That's how we became friends. I was starting to question religion and my faith when we met. When he died, it was too much to deal with the nihilism of life on top of all the pain. So I rationalized, "If there is no god / afterlife, than all of this is meaningless (nihilism)! So there's just gotta be a god..." And I will powered myself back into believing in god. Which lead to me going back into the mindset of shame and guilt for things I was just starting to touch on and explore.

Goddamnit! I really feel like my life has been just a really shitty hand one after the other and just continuous setbacks. I'm starting over at 41 where I was at at 21 (and I was very much behind when I was 21) only now with more baggage and serious wounds.

OK. So just starting much later than everyone else (I should be used to it by now 😔). This should give me more insight into myself. This should encourage me to show myself more grace... But this realization has made me feel more discouraged than I ever have.

Back to my statement of my most recent life change. 3.5 years after the abusive ex I started to get back out in the dating game and fairly quickly found her, my twin flame, my other half, my soul mate, my... Mistress. We healed SOOO much in one another. I cannot express how much trauma we repaired in one another just by loving unconditionally and wholeheartedly. We got married 9 months after we met. Our relationship moved fast but when you find your life partner it doesn't seem like it.

We were married for 45 days, then she died. 5-5-2024. It's been 3 months now.

There's a lot about grief that unless you've experienced it yourself that people don't understand. I have NOT moved on. From what I've heard, sounds like there is never moving on but just moving forward with the pain. It's like chronic pain. It doesn't end your life. It just changes it and you have to learn how to exist with it. Sharing the pain with others all the time doesn't help to be able to live and enjoy your life so you just hide the pain.

If I started out with, "My wife of 10 years died. It's been 3 years." 3 years seems like enough time to recover from that. "My girlfriend of 10 months and I broke up. It was pretty serious. It's been three months now." Your gf of 10 months and you still hung up after 3 months? Move on, bro. I understand it's a different situation. This was my soul mate. I'm not over her. I never will be. But I am ready to start living again.

However, seems to be everyone's opinion that I'm supposed to stay miserable and isolate myself indefinitely. I'm going to therapy, support groups, reading a couple books and working on material from a grieving site, get text to help with grief, started exercising, and talk on a regular basis with my (former) mother in law.

I'll say it again. I'M NOT OVER HER. I NEVER WILL BE. And I'm nowhere near ready to be intimately intertwined with someone.

But am I not allowed to have hobbies / interests / friends / activities? Seems like everyone thinks I'm supposed to be inconsolable, but she healed my heart and brought me back to life. Because of her I believe life is beautiful and worthwhile. Sorry my spirit hasn't completely given up (not sorry).

I know that one day I will be ready to be with someone in a loving relationship. It won't be the same love that we had, but it will still be a love that's rewarding and satisfying for both of us. But until then, can everyone just chill the fuck out