Diagnosed in 2014, Fibromyalgia is a condition I have carried since childhood.

Sometimes the flares come and I cannot complete tasks that I've planned for. This causes me depression, and makes me feel that I am useless. I used to bully myself for this disability, and that would cause me only to feel worse. I knew I needed to change, but I didn't know why I was being so hard on myself until I realized, I was grieving the loss of the abilities I once had and I was having a hard time accepting it. It took me a long time to sit down with my feelings and accept that this condition is not something I can control. I did not ask to be in chronic pain, and I should have as much compassion for myself as I would anyone else who is in this situation. I had to learn new ways of coping with my feelings.

When we factor in that my childhood was filled with neglect and abuse, we learn that one of the reasons why I was so hard on myself, is because my parents were so hard on me. I didn't get the care I needed, and this resulted in another condition that has followed me into my adulthood that could have been prevented with the right attention. I would get urinary tract infections as a result of dirty hands touching places they should never have touched. These infections would go on for weeks or months before I would eventually contract a fever and be taken to the doctor. As a result I have permanent damage to my bladder, scar tissue that gets inflamed and raw whenever the lining of my bladder sheds. I have interstitial cystitis. I can control the flares with my diet, and I can take supplements that help reduce acidity in the foods that cause inflammation... but knowing that this could have been prevented had I not been severely abused and neglected, makes me feel resentment toward my caregivers.

Therapy has helped me to discover that some of the pains in my body are from years of living in survival mode. My body stays on high alert, and this keeps my muscles tense. I've learned some techniques on how to feel safe and comfortable in my home. This has helped me to relax my body which relieves some of the pain.

There are days where I still struggle with myself. On those days I try to remind myself to take things one day at a time. I know that even if I cannot complete a task today, it will still be waiting for me when I'm able. And it has helped to have a partner in life who gives me a hand when both of mine are too full to carry the load.

My disability doesn't define me as a person. It is just a part of me that I am learning to accept, love and nurture. And while it has caused me to suffer with my mental health, I'm thankful for the tools I've been given to help me cope with the daily struggles, the dark thoughts and the uselessness that I often feel.

Part of learning to love yourself is the complete and total acceptance for yourself, just as you are. It's being truthful about how you feel. It's allowing yourself to become vulnerable enough to face you feelings, process them in a healthy way and then release them. It's finding out how to manage the way you respond to your triggers. It's having compassion for yourself, and realizing that it is never too late to do the right thing, by loving yourself, trusting yourself and surrounding yourself with people who are conducive to your growth, and do not add to your suffering.

Moon