I am not perfect, but I am gonna be as real with myself as I can be.

Yes, I am guilty of masking myself to others for self preservation, a lack of trust or simply to fit in with social norms. I am guilty of neglecting my own needs, for the needs of others. I've been taken advantage of by people I thought I could trust and all of this is because I was unable to love MYSELF enough to set boundaries, and hold to them. I was afraid to lose the connections I made with people, even when they mistreated me. I fawned, and apologized for my feelings when they were invalidated, instead of standing up for myself and holding to healthier boundaries. I can't do that anymore, and still be true to myself. I've come too far in my growth, and it would be a disservice to me to allow myself to continue letting others disrepect me.

My therapist urged me to look up attatchment styles, and I discovered I have behaviors of both anxious and avoidant so it’s a disorganized attatchment. This stems from a childhood filled with emotional neglect, paired with physical and emotional abuse, and repeated SA.

My caregivers, people I was meant to trust and who were meant to protect me, did not. This eventually programmed my mind to believe that I was not worthy of love, or care. There must have been something wrong with me, that my parents and sibling would treat me so horrilbly. I developed an intense need to please everyone, just to keep the peace or to feel some simblance of love or affection. I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself, without being made to feel guilty. So, I stopped standing up for myself. My childhood home shaped the way I went into new connections. It became difficult for me to make friends, and when I did it was usually with someone who was as toxic as the family I grew up with. It was some sort of 'normal' to me, to keep these people around. I thought that this was what love was... but I was so, so wrong.

I want to heal. I'm healing. I'll keep healing and learning and growing. I want to build close and meaningful relationships that are healthy and balanced. The only way I will achieve this is to continue loving myself, and standing up for myself. The moment someone invalidates my feelings, I know they're trying to avoid accountability. The moment someone avoids accountability, they've made the choice not to reflect on how their actions affect others. This shows a lack of empathy, a red flag I refuse to ignore again. If I'm willing to work on a problem, but the other person isn't able to communicate, how can there be a resolve? When the communication stops, the relationship dies. I'm learning to let them die.

It isn't my job to prove my worth to anyone. I will no longer force connections with people who clearly do not care about me, or how their behavior affects me. I deserve more than the bare minimum. What one person feels is me asking too much, is another persons feeling I'm not asking anything. All I have really ever required was time and effort. I don't NEED people in my life, but I WANT to make connections with people who will be just as enthusiatic about me, as I am about them. I am perfectly happy in isolation, if it means keeing my peace... but I know there are people out there like me... who are putting in the work and doing their best to heal themselves... and who need love and support. And, that's what I want to be. A friend... a real friend. And in return, I expect nothing less than the same love and support that I give.

And before I love another again... I will first love myself enough to decide if they are worth it.