Well, I’ve been off my antidepressants for over a week and not by choice (Thanks, Dr. Johal) and that means that all my suppressed garbage is about to break free, so, as always, writing is my emotional outlet.

So, to all the men I’ve ever loved, this one’s for you:

John: I fell in love with you in middle school. You felt so untouchable to me and it broke my heart how you played with my feelings. You dated me then broke up with me just because your best friend was jealous that you’d spend time with me instead of him. Then you dated my best friend “as a joke” to hurt me. Then as adults we realized that we probably should have actually dated. We were each others first loves, but distance kept us apart. We always said that if things didn’t work out with our current SOS at the time, we’d just get married and that would be that. You had a long term girlfriend but you said she was asexual and it would bother you. So I was trying to convince you to leave her if you weren’t happy. Then you fucking got married to her.

Chris: the biggest liar and narcissist I’ve ever known. You wouldn’t know how to tell the truth if your life depended on it. You were my “bad boy” phase and I wanted so badly for you to like me in highschool. But you were so broken and you’d feed me these little lies about loving me just to keep me strung along. Then you took my virginity I really didn’t even want to give you, just in hopes that it would make you realize that I was “the one”. Did that work? Gods no. Then you were spouting shit about how your wife and child died in a car accident and poor poor you. There’s literally no evidence of these people! Every time Id try to talk to you it’s lies lies lies. It’s exhausting.

Tim: My first real boyfriend. You deserved better but our parents sucked. I really hope you’re happy. You weren’t a bad man, just a little boy who wanted to make his father proud. You hated the military but went in just to make him happy. I think you’re married now. I’m genuinely happy for you.

Michael: You had no business getting involved with me. But I appreciate the jump start you gave me for my adult life. We met on Fetlife (first mistake) and introduced me to kink when all I wanted was someone to love, protect, and take care of me-think I thought a Dom could provide. You knew my stepdad was abusive and you got me out of that situation. Of course I had a LOT of trauma and it was not fair of me to expect you to fix all of it. You did your best but I was just a baby at 18. Ultimately, you had to do what was best for you and my repeated episodes of crying and going catatonic on the bathroom floor were just too much. I was also suicidal at that age. I’m not upset for how things went down between us. I’m a little ashamed at my behavior. We also did not have a damn thing in common besides paganism. We just would not have been a good long term match. But you loved me the best you could.

Aaron: My first husband. We jumped on the marriage bandwagon after only knowing each other for three ways. We had no damn business getting married. We were young and stupid. We were irresponsible. But you still had no fucking reason to cheat on me and destroy our marriage plus your childhood best friends!!!! You also stole money from me that was meant for bills because you were so irresponsible. You also got in trouble from the Navy when you stole from them! And they should have kicked your ass out but they didn’t. And yeah, I said our divorce was amicable but now, looking back and knowing that there is ZERO excuse for cheating, you’re probably the second worst man I ever knew and I am so full of disgust and anger for you. I hope terrible things for you.

Michael: I didn’t know what gaslighting was until I met you. Jesus fucking Christ. I developed a terrible insecurity and habit of over apologizing because of you! You’re a bad human but our sexting was always fun.

Warren: fuck you dude and your tiny ass prick.

Ben: We started talking here on Reddit. Everything was going so well. I was happy and even listening to cheesy 90s love songs. But then you ghosted and blocked me out of nowhere. Never got closure from that. But I adored you. Taylor Swift’s song “Red” will never be the same. I still miss you.

Armando: my stepdad. FUCK YOU YOU HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HUMAN. I can’t even begin on this bullshit.

Ken: My biological father. There’s a lot of hurt but I get it. I know you wanted to be in my life but my mom was obsessed and insane (literally). You didn’t want the drama and sadly that meant sacrificing any relationship with me. Even when I was an adult, you had no idea how to approach me. We were complete strangers and I still harbored some anger towards you for not being there, without truly understanding it. When you died I felt even more horrible. My heart is broken the most because I just wanted my daddy…. I wanted the man who was supposed to love and protect me and hold me when a stupid boy broke my heart. I wanted the man that was supposed to teach me to change a tire or how to do my own taxes. But I did all that alone. I didn’t even get any sort of consolation when you died. I hadn’t seen you in 20 years but I still went to your memorial. The only good thing that can from that was that I reconnected with my sister who I hadn’t seen in years. Now we’re closer than ever. I still miss you. I still hold on to the memories of banana pancakes, your motorcycle, your mermaid tattoo (done for me after I was born), and memories of Florida beaches in the summer. I still hold those close to my heart and I still try to honor your memory every year during Samhain. My heart is just permanently broken from you not being there. I know I would not have gone through all the pain and anger I did growing up with Armando if I could have just been with you. But now I’ll never know what kind of relationship we could have had and I think that’s what hurts the most.