At the age of 13, I attempted to runaway from home. I had a very unpleasant and rocky relationship with my mother who wasn’t the best of parents. The problems in my young home life had caused me to come to the determination that running away was my only chance to get away from a mentally abusive relationship.

It was a full moon night so my way was lit fairly well when I left. I managed to get perhaps 5 miles from home when a persistent man kept driving by me and asking to give me a ride. I was naive to the ways of predators at the age of 13 and eventually gave in to exhaustion, accepting a ride. I got into the car before realizing my mistake. He then took off in a completely opposite direction and takes me down a quiet dead end road. I freaked out when a pen knife was pulled on me, and the man ordered me to pull my pants off. I complied while begging for him not to do this to me. I spouted out with every reason he shouldn’t rape me to even lying about having a STD. He demanded my ass so I turned over and mentally began to brace myself to be anally raped. He attempted to perform the act and then kicked me out of his car once done. I ran to the nearest house and went through what all rape victims go through after being assaulted.

For months afterwards, I began getting sexually active from the thoughts of my assault. I would begin to rub and play with myself with the thoughts, bringing myself to a climax. I realized that the rape had actually sexually turned me on and wanted more forced sexual interactions on a consensual level by the time I was 15 years old. The sexual assault experience had also revved up my libido at a young age as I began playing with myself by 13 years old and using objects on myself by 14 years old. I literally took my own vaginal virginity at 14 years old. This drove me to explore the world of kink and sexual subcultures by the time I was 16 years old, age of consent in Florida. I met my first fetish master of silk bondage when I was 17 years old who taught me about sensual bondage without sexual contact and introduced me to my first boyfriend/Dominant. I did have problems within my early relationships without proper guidance and wisdom of my parental figures. I was even in a physically and mentally abusive relationship with a man who has schizophrenia after my first boyfriend/Dominant. I even fell into alcoholism and drug use during this time and find myself today grateful that worse never happened to me.

By my 20s, I was going to swingers’ parties and exploring fetish shops and conventions. I then met my current relationship which turned abusive and rocky after 20 years. I lived a lie and hid my true sexual nature from him because I fell in love with what I perceived as a normal monogamous man. I also became afraid of his temper as well after several warnings and then a “mild” display that put my abusive ex to shame. We were happy at first, but over the years of untreated mental health, crumbling communications, and denial of true self, everything turned abusive from both sides though he got physical. I broke it off for a short time and explored another avenue, but whether out of love or codependency, I chose to return to him and try again. Both of us receive mental health care with me being on monthly injections and him choosing not to take any medications for sexual and some other deep seeded, untold reason.

It wasn’t until my 40s though that I really began to see the full depth of what I had developed sexually from one sexual assault experience. I had learned from multiple masters in different aspects of the sexual subcultures through out my younger days and my earliest experiments in self gratification to what I am today within the BDSM subculture. I learned about sex and sexual natures on my own for much of my early teens with no guidance of my parents. All this has lead to the person that I am now in terms of sexual nature and preferences such as being polygamous/non-monogamous and into BDSM. I have thanks to a very good friend began to accept every aspect of myself including those damaged parts so I can begin to heal. Identifying how a negative experience such as sexual assault and exploring how it shaped my life there after.

What have I learned from this epiphany? I have learned to better accept my true self in every aspect instead of trying to be something that I am not. I have also learned how events shape your decisions both on a conscious and subconscious level. Would I change anything? No, I wouldn’t because I have come to love who I am and only seek to learn and better improve my life in every aspect.