Never thought I’d be making a post just for the sake of venting, but i think there’s a first time for everything. I think maybe that’s a reason for me to not be posting it on any subreddits… cuz I don’t want it to be that public, but at the same time I don’t mind having random strangers look at it, I just need to get it out of my head in some way that’s not my notes app. If you’re gonna read this, note that it is a very, very long vent so grab a snack. And maybe leave a comment if you feel like it.

I feel lonely. Sometimes I wish I had someone by my side to call my partner, but I feel much too uncomfortable to go out to bars, parties… etc, you know, what regular people do to meet new people, start dating, have some casual fun and whatnot. I feel like a massive creep approaching people minding their business just to flirt with them, even though I did it many, many times in the past when I was 15-16. And I was successful quite a few times, too.

But- now I’m 19 and considered an adult, and not being allowed into the same parties I was before, I had a couple visits to, well, actual adult only parties, and things couldn’t be more different, and I obviously expected that.

What I didn’t expect was that the vibe would be so- uncomfortable to me. I don’t drink, I don’t use any sort of drugs and never will, and the places I went to were filled to the brim with exactly that. Mind you, these were not some underground parties, nor a bad part of town. They were well known places. I felt constantly out of place, especially when looking for new people to meet, talk to, flirt with… that was the place to do it, after all. Well, one day after every advance being rejected, I felt like a total creep and a bother to every person I approached, and decided to stop for the night and hang out with my friend group, which was also there, to calm me down a bit. The look I got from a girl… it was sheer, absolute “get the fuck out of my sight” type of disgust (No ring on her finger btw, I make sure to check)

Now, myself and the ones around me tend to think of me as not at all an ugly guy, and I do get some looks whenever I walk on crowded places. So I tend to think this is not one of the cases of “well if you’re ugly everything you do will make you seem like a creep”, which I’m aware happens a lot.

So then I began looking for people online, since at least then I’d get a sense of reciprocity before making further advances, figuring it would probably be a nice way to meet people, being the introvert I have more than enough proof to know I likely am, as explained above.

Boy. Oh. Boy.

I started to be more active on social media (although I will say I didn’t try tinder yet, because I feel I’m too young, still) and began looking for communities with similar interests as me to make more friends, and possibly find someone near me. Mainly the furry and art communities. While I have managed to start talking to people, I realized that 75% of the time, they didn’t talk to me if I didn’t start a conversation. Also I’m sure you can imagine how it feels to put effort into an interesting message, just to be met with a “heheh yeah” as a response.

“Okay” I thought. “Maybe I should try looking for places where people actually look for dates”.

And then, by sheer luck I found an app called “barq!”, which is an app to meet furries around you which is also used as sort of a dating app, too.

And I kid you not. I kid you, the fuck, not. The exact same thing happened. I started to talk to some people near me, quite cool people actually, some even very nice looking. But it felt like I was a burden to reply to at times, not all the time, not with everyone, but they all had that same thing in common. I’ve been offline from that app for a few days to see if anyone would bother sending a “hey”. It’s been 5 or 6 days and NOTHING. Even from the people I thought I had sorta clicked with. For fucks sake, am I really this unimportant to the people I talk to?

Before and while I explored barq!, I also met some people on insta. And again, I liked them. But now distance was the problem. First person I met I really, REALLY clicked with and they were GORGEUS, and flirted back with me. I really thought they were the one. But, they were from another state. At the time I didn’t have means of going this far due to lack of money and school happening. And as time went on I notice an increasing distancing from their part. Low and behold, they had found a partner and didn’t even bother to tell me, I had to look at their bio to know. I was planning on going there as soon as I could, too… FUCK.

That hurt. Okay… back to step 1

Another person comes by and i really like them. And they were actually within a reachable distance, so that’s a plus. Again, we matched quite well and conversation was nice, and soon enough flirting started. Aggressive flirting. Again, I thought I had found a good match. Problem is, they were really busy with family stuff, so every time the topic of going out together came around, they’d be busy with friends, family stuff, birthdays… but okay, life happens, I’ll just keep trying to find some date where both of us will be free. Last time I went to ask them out, I was met with the big news: they had MOVED TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR A YEAR TO STUDY.

And didn’t tell me until they had landed the plane.

F.U.C.K.

M.Y

L.I.F.E

And now I’m back to step 1 again, with reels after reels about happy couples that share hobbies together popping up to me. And sometimes it hurts to see.

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed nor desperate because of it, but sometimes the loneliness hits me (and I’m writing this in one of these moments), especially seeing how much failure I went through after trying so much, and how much success I see around me with other people finding their someone.

You know, a few videos show up to me of other furries complaining about meeting someone new and they admit to having feelings right away. I understand it’s enough to be taken aback by and I would too, but sometimes I wish I had that problem. That way I’d at least know there’s someone really interested in me and could take it easy from there, I don’t know…

I’m lost.

I don’t know what to do.

I just- I wish I had someone by my side sometimes.

Sometimes…