me, to me: this is a catholic priest script.

me: yes

me, to me: but we're...?

me: oh extremely

me, to me: it's literally passover

me: oh, hey, chag sameach

me, to me: please explain how this happened

me: devotion to a higher ideal is horny, and so are uniforms???? i don't know, i'm not necessarily any happier about this that you are

christian history is kind of a special interest of mine, though that's a huge topic and my areas are mostly anabaptists (amish, mennonites, hutterites) and nuns. i was very certain i found nothing sexy about all this, but apparently what i find so unsexy is blasphemy, as for me, there is no particular emotional charge to christian blasphemy--and jewish blasphemy is a whole different can of tldr. What i do find very problematically sexy is true believers, and people who are going to change you, who are going to get in your head and make you behave according to their standards and you are never going to be the same again

also while i had the faintest inkling of an idea about this, one i was assuring myself i was not going to do, i listened to a podcast about a christian megachurch, and the podcaster used the phrase "calvinist wish fulfillment engine" and referred to american protestants treating jesus like a moodboard, and i was like damn. that's good shit. i love spite.

The title is a reference to the doctrine of total depravity, which Catholics do not actually believe in, it's just a sexy phrase lmao. Total depravity basically means that as a consequence of original sin, every person is born enslaved to sin and evil and general badness, and are incapable of choosing righteousness of their own free will, they can only follow God, be saved, or do the right thing through the grace of God. (Or that people can do good works, but through their own selfishness and ego, not for good reasons, and their good works will be inherently like, weak and flawed) This is at odds with the idea of free will, which Catholics believe people have, as a consequence of being created in the image of God. that is a very short and not great summary. whatever. i am not wikipedia.

this was actually kinda hard to write because while of course i have marinated in christian culture for my whole ass life, it's been largely protestant culture, and i don't even know what the differences are, really, on a lived-experience level, like ofc i know doctrinally what the differences ostensibly are, but, i don't know how priests speak, i know how hustling protestant ministers speak, the joel osteen ass bitches of the world. so this is probably wrong in a lot of ways. "you know there is such a thing as beta readers" there is such a thing as being too much a coward to bother people, too

my partner would tell me people love being asked for help* (*terms and conditions of course apply) and me asking them would actually further cement social bonds and she would be right but also, I Can't Do That Dave