My family disgusts me. My father died when I was 19. The first thing my mother asked when we found out was, "what's gonna happen with all of his money?" My worthless girlfriend disappeared with another guy for two weeks. My uncle is a basement dweller whose infantile demands got his own father killed. My stepbrother was a thief and a drug addict before he fell into a deep psychosis that rendered him barely even a person anymore. My cousin is an evil little brat that my family took in when her mother went to prison only for her to tell absurd stories about being fed table scraps and gang raped by my brothers and I. It's hard to know how much was a lie though because we recently found out that my brother is a predator that likes to manipulate impressionable teenagers and egirls by trying to threaten, blackmail, and guilt trip them. He spreads lies about my family and stole $2000 from a close friend. When we confronted him about his behavior. my family took his side and practically exiled me. Now I'm homeless. I can't even see my dog. I've had her for 12 years, raised her from 8 weeks, and I won't even be able to be there for her when she dies.

My health is failing. I have chronic back pain that has made me wholly useless. I can't work. I can't live. I can't afford anything. I'm ridiculed, I'm disregarded, I'm unwanted, I'm a burden. I'm falling apart and cannot be better. I can't "man up" and just work through it. I literally worked myself into a hospital because I thought I needed to provide for the woman I loved. She cheated on me while I was recovering.

I tried romance out after my last partner only to be discarded like I was nothing. I spent these last 2 years developing a relationship with a friend I met online. I didn't have any designs on her, but things just kind of started to happen. The more we got to know each other, the better we got along. I was there for her at her worst point in life, sent her hand written love letters, spent countless hours a night just taking comfort in her presence over the phone. I used to send a good morning text every morning and tell her how much I adored her. She liked to flirt with me and it made me feel normal again. We planned to meet up eventually. A few weeks ago, she simply said to stop talking to her like that. She told me that I didn't mean anything because I was only marginally real. I was never going to happen so she didn't want a romantic relationship with me at all. Now I only hear from her every few weeks when she's having a shitty day and needs an emotional punching bag to wail on with her complaints of being single and how nobody wants her, which is hurtful and insulting, but she doesn't care.

The last partner I had was a narcissist schizophrenic. The last time I felt desired by a woman was when I was approached by my last partner in 2016, when I was 18 years old. We were together for 4 years, and throughout those 4 years I watched her devolve from perfect to hateful and then eventually to completely insane. In the time I was with her, I worked myself to the point of becoming physically disabled just to support her. She cheated on me so many times, gaslit me about the reasons why, tried to lie about our relationship even existing... She also begged for death daily, cut herself, punched herself, randomly woke up screaming, randomly attacked me, broke things, told me she hated me. She told me I wasn't a real man when I was forced to quit working, and left for yet another guy. She soon ended up up being passed around by meth tweakers on the streets before finally going insane. She would randomly call me after months of no contact to tell me the hospital was targeting her by not giving her a walker after she was hit by a car. She tried to tell me that the cars were targeting her by being certain colors. she claimed the 5g and the mold were attacking her brain. This year, on march 4th 2024, she was found dead over 1500 miles away from home. She went crazy and got herself killed. She was the last person I kissed, the last woman I thought I was in love with, the last woman I had sex with, and the last woman I so much as went to dinner with.

I'm lonely. I understand I'm undesirable. I'm not bitter. I don't want pity. I just wish someone could promise to give a damn about me and be there to keep that promise.

Anyway, if anyone's reading this, thanks for being at least this invested. Maybe you understand me a little more. Maybe you don't.