Who - The main challenges

I enjoyed a loving relationship with a woman who died of multiple cancers that lasted many years. I wish to begin romantic activity again. However, I am finding that the affects of brutal Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) have made it difficult.

I have battled these affects in the past, and am in a renewed fight asking for assistance. My abuse was doubly or triply traumatizing. I was physically disabled as a child and could not prevent the abuse. The abuse also threatened me with permanent physical damage. I suffered a delicate orthopedic disease and the impact of abuse and rape could have crippled me for life, and I knew it.

I have recently gained insight into the effects of the abuse, despite having a “gap” in my memory of several years. Even these insights can re-traumatize me and make me feel vulnerable. Another challenge is that I am, technically, an older person, without the confidence in sexual prowess that youth bestows.

The idea: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has helped me challenge negative thoughts and worldviews. A version of it can likely help me here. Negative suggestions in a negative abuse setting created damaging misconceptions about myself and sex. Positive affirmations and encouragement in a positive setting can help replace them.

What - The general "Ask" and "Affirmations" in detail

I have appreciated Gone Wild Audio (GWA) for several years. I strongly believe that audio content containing the following affirmations will help me replace past negative programming.

• Affirm that I or no one else will be punished or hurt if I express interest in heterosexual pleasure and fulfillment. (Negative Origin: ”If you tell anyone, I will go after your sister and also punish you.”)

• Affirm that I can be accepted by a woman as a sexual partner in spite of my rape and victimization, and not “marked for life.” (Negative Origin: “Women can always tell what you did with me.”)

• Affirm that my desire and that sexual expressions through touch, feelings, and actions can be accepted and welcomed by a woman I find desirable. (Negative Origin: ”No woman would let you touch them after what you have done.”)

• Affirm that intercourse with ejaculation and orgasm within a vagina are safe, and can pose little risk of infection or disease. (Negative Origin: ”Women are dirty and filled with disease. You will get sick if you associate with them.”)

• Affirm that a woman could be a willing partner in helping overcome these inhibitions. (Positive Origin: Note: Believe me … this positive affirmation was not part of the rape scenario. It is an affirmation to counter its effects).

Note: I have given thought to the [hypno|conditioning|brainwashing|ASMR] routes. Some GWA artists are very skilled in those. At this point, I think mutual decision-making and consent are the first guidelines I choose to follow. These positive affirmations may help me heal from experiences of extreme control and non-consent.

What - Other challenges

Other more garden variety challenges and misconceptions also haunt me. An audio might help with these too.

• I have never regarded myself as an attractive person, even though my few partners have been so judged.
• I don’t give off obvious signals that I am interested in women … I have always been afraid of being punished if I show romantic interest.
• I have had few sexual partners.
• My age has diminished my performance ability.
• My girlfriend’s cancers affected her private parts so I have had no recent sexual experience for so long that I am not telling you.

How - Others can help

A) Step 1 - Provide feedback, tweaks on the “First Part” script that exists at the unlisted Pastebin link below:

https://pastebin.com/TjMjmik9

B) Step 2 - Create or collaborate on a complementary “second half” erotic script as a companion to the draft “first part. The second “half” would consist of the woman partner gently leading the man to arousal and then intercourse, and perhaps a short, sweet aftercare section.

The dialog would include repeated consensual discussion as the partners progress from making out, to manual stimulation, optional oral stimulation, then intercourse. The dialog would also include and reinforce the Affirmations listed before … aimed at the impediments we wish to remove and replace them with realistic thoughts.

Personally, I can not imagine the intercourse section and some of the affirmations without the woman partner in superior position. This allows easy face to face communication, “trust-building” and “reading” each other’s emotions. Otherwise, I don’t think that I am particularly “subby” and require that flavor of interaction.

C) Step 3 - Suggest ways to record a performance of the complete script by one or two folks, or provide an audio performance.

A polished script by Guild writers might be easy to promote on GWA. A script be helpful to others or spur other helpful beneficial recordings in GWA or PTA.

If no one picks up on the script someone may suggest candidate performers who would do it for pay. Given my age, I think it best that the artist have a relatively mature voice. I am an older man, not a creepy older man … yet. I still have time to grow into that role ;-).

Caveat - Playing the "Pity Card"

To those who may think that I am exploiting a group for free personal help … playing a “Pity Card” … You are right.

But I think there is more than one right in this picture.

If I just wanted a custom audio for a thrilling experience, it would be far different. This request includes none of the few garden variety kinks I have discovered in myself. I am purposely keeping it fairly general so it can help me but can be adapted for others with just a little work.

Also, despite my occasional facility with writing, these things bother me. I live with frequent sadness and torment. I am grateful to be still interested in pursuing romance, but the thought of sex causes me to hang my head with shame and pain as well as with longing. Events can still trigger me into a catatonic state, unable to move for minutes. I do not think I am especially privileged to ask for help … no one should live like this.

Thanks

Thanks once again, for reading this if for nothing else.

I am available occasionally on this profile, PM, and the submission thread.

Keep safe in all ways, especially in this confusing time of COVID-19.