The capacity to be vulnerable & authentic is one of the main ways we can develop security, safety, and trust with our loved ones in connection.

However, for many of us, it's never felt safe to be truly vulnerable, and so we can lack an internal map of what it can look like and sound like in practice.

Not to mention, it can feel incredibly scary.

So here are some examples, inspired by a variety of sources (including, but not limited to, some of my past personal experiences).

– “The more you love me in ways I have never been loved before, the more I mistrust it and try to push it away.”

– “I keep looking for excuses to reject you before you can reject me. Like I have to protect myself and keep one foot out the door. Could you reassure me that your love isn't going anywhere?”

– “It's almost like I only want people when they feel unavailable to me. My desire for you is strongest when we're disconnected, and when we feel connected, sometimes I'd rather be somewhere else. I don't want to continue like this. I want to appreciate your presence more than your absence.”

– “I've been deeply hurt in the past, and it's been transferring that into our connection by all the ways that I've been projecting that mistrust onto you. You didn't deserve the names I called you and the labels I tarred you with. As difficult as it feels for me to admit this, I am committing to owning the wounds I'm bringing into this connection.”

– “I have been afraid of admitting the fears & insecurities I have in this connection. Instead of telling you about them, I have focused on the flaws I see in you to feel better in myself.”

– “I felt bad for how I reacted, and I didn't know how to deal with the guilt so I blamed you. It was hard for me to see what I was doing in the moment, but I can see it now. I'm working on my reactions. The more honest I am with you, and the more you really hear me, the more it feels like I’m expanding into a way of relating that feels as scary as it feels beautiful.”

– "When our intimacy was deepening, I made assumptions about what it meant and felt the heavyweight of expectations that I placed upon myself. I was scared so I used avoidance to keep a safe distance from my fears. I can see how deeply that hurt you."

– “When x happened, I made it mean that you don't care about me, even though a bigger part of me knows you do. Instead of taking ownership of what was coming up for me, I personalized it and made you responsible for my pain in ways that I can see were confusing and unfair to you.”

– "I found it unbearable to hear what you were sharing with me because of how scary it feels to know I'm failing the person I love so deeply. I made you wrong for sharing your truth with me, and I see now how very painful that was for you."

– “I had expectations of you that I didn't tell you about, and when you didn't meet those expectations, I punished you by withdrawing my love and warmth. The truth is, I love you and I’m learning how to end this cycle because I so cherish our connection.”

– “When I feel hurt, I sometimes demonize you and forget all the things about you that are good. I know this has been hurting our love and hurting you.”

– “Sometimes I don't feel safe in this connection, and I get confused about what's my wound and what's my intuition. I don't have the answers - I just want to bring you into my experience because I'm sad about feeling so distant from you.”

Serdar Hararovich