So, I'm gonna try and separate this between the following: Reddit Schedule, Voice, IRL Schedule, and Emotional Health.

​

Reddit Schedule
So, as you can see by scrolling. I have been releasing old lewd dubs of mine. Which, I will be running out of soon, and I plan to then do it a bit more "off the cuff" without all the editing, but Ill definitely need to setup a feedback form to know if thats how I should do it or not.

I'm currently editing a script fill of Anniversary with Aleera from ZeroOmega2100, after that I will be doing the sequel to Dont Drink the Water by Tarkustrooper. I have many scripts in my backlog, I don't necessarily have a set schedule for them all, but I will try to follow the pattern of doing one of Zero's scripts, one of Tarkus' scripts and then another one, and keep in that order. I, unfortunately, have no idea of how often I will upload, but Im going to try and make it twice a week, I think.

Oh! And I hope that I actually manage to finish and upload the July Karaoke songs, I have dozens of recordings of them but all sound terrible to me, so I don't know if I;ll produce one I feel is good enough yet.

​

Voice
My voice has felt in a pretty bad shape as of late. Rarely has it even felt "how it should" this past week. The longer I go without recording, the more worried I get that I won't be able to record at all again. The comments I've been getting from Rynosoar94 have been everything I could have wanted and more from this Reddit venture, and even caused me to try and listen to full-length recordings of my dubs, which, oddly enough, I really enjoyed some, and then I thought others were just...awful.

Like I was listening ahead, trying to get excited for what I would be sharing with ppl and I wasn't excited. I felt the voices sounded terrible and extremely 'samey' it only multiplied my doubt with my voice, and my feelings like I may legitimately never try to make an audio again. I just think about how talented everyone else is. What I have is I can kinda do a believable female voice, but it hasn't felt believable here lately at all. I don't have any actual skill or control over my voice, and cant act either...

Despite all this, I feel I will keep trying. It's just hard. And the longer I dont record, and just feel like shit, the harder it will be to actually use my voice properly to get the sound I want from it. I mean, sometimes I wake up and it sounds...okaay??? and other times, it just sounds horrible.

I have been looking into professional help with it, cause I don't know what to do, and I put so much value in my voice for various reasons, but one of them being, I feel inadequate as a woman(or as a lover, too) in every other aspect besides my voice, hence why I constantly put so much pressure on it. I won't be able to start classes until the fall(if at all) but, I hope so desperately it gives me a bit confidence that I know what the fuck is going on with my voice. I recently was so horny, that I pretended to do a dub again, but not record it, and nothing sounded right, nothing sounded usable. So, once again, I am depressed about my voice.

​

IRL Schedule
I've always been a workaholic, partly because I suffer from that tendency "oh no, I need to be 'productive!'" and partly because Im a doormat for others/employers. For several months this year, I was working 11pm to 7am 7 days a week, and like 6 hours in the afternoon 4-6 days a week. And that is changing starting today, actually. Switching to 3-5 days a week, various hours. And I worry that I won't know how to fill all that freetime, I need to be careful about overusing my voice, after all. but, ideally I would spend a lot of that time recording and then editing, too, and possibly, eventually, playing/streaming some choice games that I had been meaning to for some time.

Something I am worried about is I might just end up using all that extra time to simply sleep. Which I might literally need to catch up on, but also, sleep is how I cope with my depression. So, Im worried Ill sleep a long time, feel depressed for sleeping so long instead of editing/recording and then just sleep even more. Getting further from feeling fulfilled via GWA and my passion, and just hating myself.

I think I'll try to break that up with irl visits to people. As I flirt with quite a few people, people Ive wanted to see for such a long time, but my schedule always prevented it. So, now maybe Ill be able to see them, and that dopamine of being with ppl I care deeply about will counteract with the depression some. At least, that is the hope.

​

Emotional Health
Now, I have touched on this subject here and there above, but I'll try to get more into it now. I have been struggling to find meaningful purpose, as one might relate to, and for me it feels like I need to be able to perform audios on GWA but if I don't think Im any good, I won't enjoy myself when I record which means the joy I get out of it is upvotes/views/comments, but if its undeserving...it just creates a loop. The reason I view my voice so highly is, it kinda clashes with my appearance, I dont look as femme as I would hope to; as a trans person, it seems to be a sick joke that im hyper aware of even the most minute details between the majority of male bodies, versus the majority of female bodies; that's important, because there's always outliners.

And because I don't value myself much, I reduce myself to a sexual object and try to give that to people for their pleasure and mine, hence all the flirting(see above) and socializing. Because of my schedule and my lifestyle, having an actual relationship with me is pretty awful and unrewarding. And a lot of people I have feelings for, I first approach because they feel like no one cares, but I know I do, and I wanna show them that. I once thought that, being attracted to me was a waste of time, and in actuality spending time/energy on me just prevents someone from getting closer to a greater, or their truest, happiness. I said that not necessarily believing it completely but...

This does seem to be the case. Of the major people I care(d) about as romantic partners, more than a handful have disappeared from my life and then reappeared with girlfriend or boyfriend and I, just, never saw them so happy. It makes me truly happy for them, but also breaks my heart because I know, I can never make someone that happy and even if I did, it would be shown in a way that is healthy for me.

I am on the knifes edge of "having more self-respect and considering what I need and constant consent" and "can I ever be good enough to please anyone? Why would someone care about me if not only for my body? and they'd be disappointed once they got their hands on me." Sometimes, I lean to one side or the other, but I have yet to get off the blade edge, and I think that is stressing me out so much right now. And this just compounds into my voice and other stuff, all my doubt creeps in.

I think that's why lately I've been "up to my old habits again" and getting closer to people I may not know yet, and that has really seemed to blow up in my face. People that seem interested, but then disappear and blow me off. People that I think I'm actually providing something of value to them, something they want or appreciate and their lack of engagement makes me feel stupid and ugly for even being so vulnerable to show person things of me.

​

​

​

This was really just me venting, I felt like that was a point or that this somehow helps, but I really don't know anymore. The skinny of it is, if you read the whole thing and got lost a few times, you are a real sweetheart, btw... I see only value in my voice, yet I dont think thats good, I throw myself at people in hopes they care. I throw myself at scripts in the hope that I care. But, if dont like my recordings, I don't have a plan B, aside from being deeply depressed.