Seems like all I am good at is ranting about myself. I've been going through this cycle of waking up, utterly depressed out of my mind, and going to work, struggling to be creative, then having something nice happen while I'm at work, giving me the courage to continue. Then making a solid attempt, feeling briefly good, and then feeling terrible and going to sleep sad, rinse and repeat.

I'm just trying to come to terms with big fish in a small pond syndrome. Oh, boo-hoo woe is me. I'm a failed man, a disfigured woman. Whether I deserve to live or not doesn't matter. At one points I liked how my body looked. And at one point I thought I had a nice voice. People encouraged me, too. But it was just to placate me, as I mentioned in an older post. I know the reality of things.

When I started transitioning, I needed to see myself in a positive way I needed to be hopeful or I was doomed from the start. For me, that was my voice. I said before to people, I could get surgery and look more cis, or get really good at makeup and people would see me as I see myself, but once I open my mouth, it would all fall apart. but, my voice is nothing great compared to everyone else.

FUck it, Im not gonna go into my life story; I do that too damn much. Im tired. It helps no one, im just a little brat in this. but..

When I joined r/GoneWildAudio I was hoping that I could use my voice that I love, and people would like it, too, and it would feel good. I'm always terrified of 'bigger fish' in a nature sense, I should be. They can eat me and there's nothing I can do to stop that. So, I pretty much just followed my one friend, and I have tried to be very supportive of him, but he doesn't need my support and in fact, I have been just hurting him, as I feared. I was afraid to listen to other VAs besides him, because he's my friend, and I am not so shy around him as I am everyone else. But, as I listened, he did collabs, I should have stayed away from those. But I didn't. I heard other VAs, guys and girls, and it was like my worst fear realized. I am awful. In every way.

What I'm "good" at is transitioning a shitty masc voice into a shitty femme one. It's nothing more than a cheap party trick that people fawn over like, "wow, that's so cool! Shocking, too!" but when push comes to shove, I'm just not good enough. Everyone can do it better.

And, at first, I tried looking for scripts that maybe would show I have some worth and I tried recording some, then I saw other tags to explore and read many scripts, all so well-written, and I became overwhelmed by it. The sheer amount of creativity pouring out of the subreddit every single day is astounding. It's why I know what I wrote wasn't very good. I'd be sad that there wasn't more comments(and I have a whole history around that, that I won't get into) but, now it all makes sense. It's because everyone in the community is so much better than me, that there's no reason to enjoy my 'content.'

My friend was so gracious to fill my script(I havent listened yet, but I will, im just terrified to) and yet while being so popular and known, it has received so little praise compared to what he usually does. It has become a skid mark on his profile, that he did for my sake, for me. I'm sure his performance was phenomenal but it also reveals how bad my script truly is. Something close to my heart, thats prolly why I was able to actually write it. As I've had nothing but writer's block, otherwise.

So, where I'm at is wanting to write, wanting to fill scripts but only scripts that haven't gotten filled yet, that deserve to be, but then I realize how terrible I am, and I wish someone else could fill these scripts and give them the life that they deserve.

My first script, actually wasn't my first. My first was a self-hate script that I wrote to be "shocking" now learning, it's nothing special, either. And in fact, others wrestle with stronger demons. I wanted to reply on a sister sub reddit r/GWABackstage and realized that my inner demons are nothing compared to others, and despite that, they overcome or are empowered by them with real talent, and creativity.

I'm at work rn, I don't know what to do, but I really feel like I just wanna lay down on the floor and crumple-up into a ball. So I will. Have a good night.