So, I'm about to get personal about me and a little self-ranty a bit. (also super ramble-y)

I've noticed something, and it's something I think I was always aware of, but never truly recognized what it actually causes and that is the very deep loathing that I have for myself.

So, all my life, even before my transition(especially then), I've been looked after, taken cared of, encouraged, uplifted, etc. y'know things that you normally do for friends and loved ones. And it helps them, it makes them feel good, but I think like a baby wanting to experience the same thing over and over. I purposely would dig deeper and deeper into my self-hatred to get those praises, but then they feel forced. Whether it's warranted or not, if someone says, "I hate myself. I want to kill myself." Your first response will be, "Please never say that! You're great and I wouldn't want to be gone!"

It is essentially the same situation as when the classic joke-y line of a woman to a man, "Does this dress make me look fat?" If you say yes, truthfully, they could get upset. If you say no truthfully or not, they could still get upset. They won't believe the praise they get is actually genuine.

And that's where I've been for most of my life. If someone even notices me, I instantly recognize my "faults" it doesn't matter how much praise or encouragement a person gives, cause it's never enough. It will never be enough until I change how I fundamentally see myself.

My voice, my drawings, my appearance, any activity I'm doing, and now, with my writing that I just seriously started to do. I share these things in hope of praise and then shoot myself down to "guarantee" said praise, and then I feel as though it's not genuine- and I hate myself all over again.

Trying to stay on topic. I have a friend that is very dear to me and from the start I put myself down about how he'll be too popular to even associate with me. He reassured me that wasn't the case. But, he's definitely become immensely popular. And it isn't right for me to drag anyone down. They deserve a better friend, and I want to be that for everyone.

I really didn't notice it until I left Twitter. I was on Twitter for 2 years, and my DMs were flooded with SIMPs and friends, all giving me that praise- I lived so deeply in that lifestyle that I couldn't see the harm it was causing myself or my friends. And if people don't give me that praise, I assume they hate me, I assumed it even when they praised me, but if no response is given, I might even lash out to people I love and admire. And, that's what I want to stop.

Something happened recently and I left Twitter, my life has been lifted by the burden of talking to 30 ppl a day or feeling like I need to, and failing to do so. I'm adjusting, but it's more like now I've been clinging much more tightly on the fewer friends and lovers that I have now. One post down, was my first script, and I've shown dozens of people even before it was finished. I don't wanna do that. I want to be able to accept any genuine criticism and praise without being so self-hatey that people feel the need to encourage or comfort me. But it really hit me when I realized, I've shown "all" my rough drafts to some people and it's a reiteration of that seeking praise or seeking validation.

And I want to stop. I'm gonna make a conscious effort to stop so that when I make new friends, Im not dragging them into this game of "Cheer up Eryn" and that's also because...

Even ignoring the praise and validation and stuff, I really want to be good or competent at something. I want to be liked for what I can do and not just because of the way I am. I want to be able to hold my own as an equal among my friends and acquaintances. But I never will be able to reach that point, if I always put myself down and rely on others to lift me up, and "cling" to them. It's really an oxymoron to think you can hold your own if all you do is hold onto others. But I have to let go. Because I care about my friends, and I really want to be a friend to them, too.