I know no one will probably see this or if they do, even care to read it. But, I just wanted to make a post and express the way I feel right now. I’m so.. tired. Just in general, not even with the whole bdsm thing or trying to find a partner. Tired of life, really. Tired of being alone. Tired of having to be tough when I just wanna be soft. I know I can come off as rude or confrontational, but just know it comes from place of hurt and not hate. I know people tell me all the time not to let what people say on here get to me, because it’s the internet. But man, is it harder said than done. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel, to people they don’t even know. Like you have no clue what someone is going through & what little it would take to send them off the edge. Maybe i’m naive for thinking this way, thinking that the world should be kinder, more accepting of people that don’t fit societal norms. As a big girl, I can’t express how hard it is to find someone who genuinely likes you or even wants to be your friend. Someone that looks within despite the outside. I have such a soft heart.. I guess you could say i’m extra sensitive in a way too. Things get to me when they shouldn’t because it’s usually just some asshat wanting to hurt my feelings anyway, well they succeed, every time. I sit here and act like it doesn’t bother me but it does, it so deeply does. I try to act as if the fact that i’ve never felt an ounce of love from anyone doesn’t bother me, but it does, so very badly. Like what is it about me that’s so unlovable? Is it my looks? Is it my body? It is my depression? It is my constant overthinking and worry? It is because i’m broken? Is it because I don’t have a fancy car, a fancy house and fancy clothes? Really? What is it? I have went to the ends of the Earth for people only for them to meet me halfway down the street. I’ve put in time, money, effort, love, whatever I felt I could give and it still wasn’t enough. Yes, I know I could lose the weight & I am actually, but why should I have to be skinny to be loved and respected? Just because i’m bigger in some places than most, i’m not deserving of being loved the same as a skinnier/fit woman? And let’s face it, who wants to lose the weight only for the people that turned you away for being fat are now all of a sudden gonna want something to do with you? I’d be the same person skinny as I was fat. So why is it so difficult to love me? To like me even. Sometimes I wish I could just cut my head off and sell my body. Get some use out of what people seem to think is the only thing i’m good for. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be cared for, protected, put first, listened to. It’s hard being so full of love when everyone you meet is so full of shit.

• sorry for the novel.