C,

When you called me from Norfolk, I was overwhelmed with your love. You were pouring it into me and showing me that none of your feelings had changed over the months we hadn't talked. I will now never again doubt that you love me, and probably will love me in some way forever.

But... yes, you knew there was a but. Words need actions. You have yet to really show me you love me again. I really don't ask for much. You know what I ask: Connection, Communication, and Transparency. I've been searching for all three since you've been back, and I have yet to see any of it. I see love in your eyes when we do speak, but you make very little effort to be with me or to meet the needs you know I have in a relationship with you.

I reflected on our entire relationship last night.... and prayed a lot. I realized it's always been this way. You show up, you pour love over me, and then you don't follow through. It's been the only consistent thing we've ever had... this inconsistency in how you choose when to show up for me. And it leaves me feeling rejected, abandoned, and unworthy... Every. Single. Time.

You said once that you were surprised that K "chose you." Those words stung so hard. Know why? You have never really chosen me. Ever. But yet, I wait, wait for the day I'll be worth it. Wait for the day you'll show me you want me in your day-to-day. But it never comes. I think in theory, you want what we have. You want the intimacy, the connection, the fun... but the day-to-day alludes you, and it's not a real loving relationship without that part. And I'm sorry to say, that part can be work. Work it seems like you are not really willing to commit to, even in the short term--like this situation we have now.

I could list the examples where you had a choice and you didn't choose me all day long. When you met V (or G, or whoever she is), you outright replaced me. I stood by and waited for that to die down, and when it didn't, and she broke your heart, I stayed around to help pick up the pieces, still waiting... waiting for my turn. For the day you'd be back and choose to be with me fully again. But there always seemed to be something taking your attention away. Something that made it so that you weren't fully with me. Always.

Then there is the K thing. I want you happy with her, I do. I have been clear about that from the first day of our relationship to the last. But you made promises to me. Multiple times. You said if she wasn't okay with us, you'd choose me. That you know I'd always choose you, so it wouldn't be fair to me to let her kick me out. That after the whole V thing you'd never choose someone over me again.... that you realized I was the one who made you happy. But that never happened. I think you promised me and went back on that three or more times... enough times that I just stopped believing you. Maybe I'm being unfair, maybe you should have never promised that in the first place, but the fact is that you did, and when push came to shove, I got pushed away. Again.

And yes, there was my birthday. I didn't ask for much for my birthday. I never do ask very much from you, honestly. But you couldn't. And why? You were distracted... with someone new. All over again. You were upfront about her, and I was happy you were learning to do that with me, but that situation was just another one where someone else took the place of showing me you love me. In a clear and explicit way I asked for something special... in fact, I have never made any of this a mystery. I always state my needs clearly... you choose not to put them first. And I don't think you ever will.

Don't get me wrong, when we worked, we worked. The times we spent together were nothing short of magical. Remember that night at your house when you whispered stories from your childhood into my ear as I fell asleep? Or the concert where you held me all evening long? That day walking through Greenville hand in hand, or the road trips we took? We know how to be in love. But those moments were always fleeting. Consistency and commitment to us is what has always been lacking here.

When you called from Norfolk I was full of hope. I thought this time would be a time when you showed me what we could be... what we maybe one day would be. And I guess you have shown me. It's just not what I imagined. This was your last chance to show me you love me with Connection, Communication, Transparency. And what you've shown is that it's just not in you. At least not in the consistent way I need. And I think you're also showing me that we will just never be in that place I need. The day-to-day commitment to me just isn't something you're able or willing to do for me.

So, baby... I'm done holding out. I don't like the person I am when I'm waiting to see if you'll follow through. I'm not me. I'm not the strong, independent, confident woman I am in every other part of my life when you put me in this place. I am weak and fearful and hate how I chase and beg for my needs to be met. I don't want to be that girl anymore. So I'm walking away and learning to be the woman I need to be without you. I know I said I'd wait for you to be ready, but the more I think about it and pray about it, I'm seeing that you're never going to be in that place with me. So I just can't keep waiting for something that we will never be. I need to love myself. I need to take care of my needs and stop waiting... waiting for you to be ready.

I'll choose to remember the magical times because they were just that... magic. But I'm also not fooling myself anymore by thinking that our future will end up in that magical place. I can't sit and wait for something that is never going to happen. This will be the last letter I write you here, but that doesn't mean I will ever stop loving you or wishing things could have been different. I can only hope the pain will fade over time and be replaced with memories of the happy times... the times I want to keep with me always.

Ro 🌸