C,

You just refused my call, so you have made your point, loud and clear. I told you I needed to talk and that it was important to me. But I guess what's important to me isn't taking priority right now. This actually really illustrates what I wanted to talk about with you tonight. I'm not willing to be in a relationship where you can't (or won't) be available to me.

I hung up the phone on Friday more confused than before we talked. I tried typing out some thoughts, but the wheels kept turning even after that. Since you opened up to K I have been fully on board with just letting you do you and not asking much in return. There have been times in our relationship when my feelings have had to take precedence too. Right now is your turn, and I've tried to be understanding about that.

But since you've been away, I've been in some turmoil about continuing to take that stance. I want to be with you. And I want to use this time as an opportunity to be "us" again. I fully understand that it will shift again when you go home, but I want "us" for now. A lot of the time it doesn't feel like you're on the same page with me there. Are we expecting different things? If so, we can talk about whether or not what you want is something I can give.

I know you love me. I will never doubt that again. Ever. But that doesn't mean the way we are right now isn't very uncomfortable for me. I feel like I never know if I should reach out... what I should or shouldn't say, or if you even want to hear from me or spend time with me. Is that real? Or is that in my head? For me, it feels awkward and estranged sometimes while other times feel intimate and warm. I sometimes feel like I'm trying to force something that isn't wanted on your end.

We are way too close emotionally and have come too far through too much for me to always be wondering... never knowing if I'm wanted around. I do get that it might not be that simple for you. You're grappling with some big things. Maybe you just can't give me what I want from us right now. I thought on Friday I was good with whatever you could give me and was happy to settle for whatever that may look like, but I've since realized I do need this. I just might need more.

If you ever do want to talk about where we are or what you want us to be, I'm here. You have my number. If anything ever changes and you can give me more, I'm here. But for now, it doesn't feel like us. And I need us. You were right when you said, "It's not enough to just be loved." I don't doubt your love, but you just might need to focus on yourself... what I'm asking to make me happy might be too much for you right now.

Love you always,
Ro 🌸