C,

I know I keep saying I have no regrets about meeting you in Vegas last weekend, and in a way it's true, but as I reflect, there are parts I regret.

I regret my impulse to run away. I want you... I love you... I want to be with you more than anything. I do get that you have more going on right now than I can fathom. I have been there, but it's really been ten years since I've been in the place where you are. So while I do get it, I've been there, it's been a while, and my situation wasn't exactly the same. I'm sorry that at the first implication that you weren't with me 100% my impulse was to run. I get scared. When I'm scared to lose you, my walls go up to protect myself. It's counterintuitive, yes, but it's how I'm wired. I'm sorry that came out this weekend.

That "run away" impulse wasted time. I did it twice... twice... and I can't believe it. I'm beating myself up for it now. The last thing I want is for you to think I don't want to be with you... I want that more than anything, and I hope you know that. I'm sorry I wasted time when we could have been connecting with each other by being cold, by making it seem like I didn't care and didn't want to be with you. I only hope that the other moments, the moments when I was savoring you came through. That those are the moments you walked away with. That's what I want you to remember.

The other time waster this weekend was my attitude around things you did that hurt me. You kept apologizing to me for the hurt you caused. You were bringing up my birthday, the women, all the things that have hurt me throughout our relationship. I should have responded in a more loving way, and I'm sorry. I was glad you were finally seeing that you hurt me. You know now that you hurt me in a lot of the same ways you did K. You do tend to push me aside when something new pops up, the same way you do her. You're realizing now how you use women as a distraction, escape from the things that are really important.

But I wasn't kind. I should have told you that it was okay, that I've forgiven you for that. That you may have been binging and it wasn't a healthy action, but that you were handling those situations better and better all the time. You were getting transparent with people and with me... that's something you've learned through our relationship and you were still practicing. Not all of this was negative... you've learned how to navigate keeping my feelings in mind and telling me the things I need to know, and at the same time doing the hard work of sharing me and K with them. I should have acknowledged all that instead of beating you down. I'm sorry. More sorry than you'll ever know. I didn't handle that the way I should have. I should have pulled you in and held you close instead of digging in and making you feel worse. Forgive me?

The last regret isn't from this weekend only but from the end of our relationship. I'm sorry I didn't see how much keeping the relationship with me and K at the same time was tearing you apart. I was so happy with you and with J that I didn't realize how much trying to make her and me happy at the same time was ripping you apart and pulling you in two different directions. Maybe you wouldn't have reached out to D and B if you hadn't felt the need to escape the stress your primary relationships were causing you. I was looking through rose-colored glasses thinking you should be just as happy as I was. But I was happy because my relationships lived in the sun... and you were still stalking in the shadows with me. I'm so sorry. I should have paid closer attention to how your two worlds, your double life, were affecting you. If I ever get another chance with you I promise I will plug into you better. I will be there for you when you need me. I will keep my eyes open.

So... regrets about us? None. Being with you is what I want and I will never regret the time we have. But I wasted it. I wasted so much of our time worrying about things that didn't matter or not paying attention to things that did. I'll do better. I'll be present. I just want to be the best partner I can be for you. I'm not perfect... but I'll try my best. That I definitely promise you.

Ro 🌸