C,

It might be weird that I write to you here. You don't know this account, and there is really no way you would be able to find me here. I should just put my thoughts and feelings in a journal. But maybe, someday, I can give you this name and you can read over the thoughts and feelings I was having while we were going through this phase of our relationship when I wasn't able to turn to you and share my feelings with you.

I'm conflicted today. I talked to you a couple of days ago and you asked if you could see me. I want to see you so badly, and I have so many things I want to say to you, face to face. I was glad I was able to get some things out on the phone. I was happy to share with you that I'm okay and that I'm waiting here for you to be ready. I do get that I'm not a priority right now... I shouldn't be. K and your family should be your top priority, as well as you getting healthy. But I needed to tell you I'm proud of you, and that I'm not giving up on you and I'm not giving up on us.

But I know K wouldn't want me to see you. I'm trying to respect her boundaries because we are supposed to be forever. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and now that everything is in the open, I want to live in the sun. I don't want to hide in the shadows anymore. You say that this can be our last big secret, and I want to believe you, I do.

But what if it leads to more? What if I end up in the place we just left? What if I am what is unhealthy for you? I don't want to be that thing coming between you and your family, or you and your health. But I want to be with you so badly, too. I want that hug you promised me. Am I doing the selfish thing if I say yes and see you next week? Or am I doing the thing we both need so badly?

J says there is no right or wrong answer, which means a lot coming from him. I thought writing to you would help... but it doesn't seem there are answers here. I look forward to talking to you on Sunday, maybe then my thoughts will be better formed. Please know whatever I do or decide it's because I love you and want the best for you and for us. Always.

Ro 🌸