C,

I feel like today is just one of those days where I'm living in denial. I don't feel awful, but it's because I'm living in this place where it feels like that phone will ring any minute and things will be back to what they used to be. I realized this morning that I haven't stopped calling you my boyfriend. I don't call you an ex. I think that's because somewhere inside me I think this isn't over. I feel a peace, that everything is going to be fine.

But will it? It's probably a slim chance that we will be together again, and if we are, it probably means your world needs to blow up first. I don't want that to have to be the price. Yes, I want you... I miss you... but if it means your whole world is turned upside down, is it worth it? I love you and want you happy. It would be nice if I was part of your happy, but I know that's just not always how things work.

Then there is the selfish side of me. The said that says, yes... please... chip away at her... try to explain... stand up for us. Tell her you need me. All because it's what I want. Because I want you. I need to be with you again... and I want you to need me too.

I don't know what the answer is. I know you don't either. But I know I have a hole inside me that you left. You're the one that fits me. I feel okay today, but it also still feels unreal. Life is unreal without you.

Ro 🌸