One week ago yesterday i woke up and saw only two options in front of me. One was to take my life and end it all. The other was to get the help i’ve needed since i was a teenager.

I phoned a doctor and cried on the phone to a complete stranger. I got to the doctors office and cried in front of a doctor i’ve never met. I had to tell them my story and what i think is wrong with me. i had to put it all out there, including the fact that i was ready to kill myself - and trust me, even when you’re ready, you don’t want to tell people. Doing so could limit your choice to do it. I’m now on mirtazapine for depression, anxiety, sleep and appetite.

You know what’s mad? I type this sitting on the yard of an olympic dressage rider. I’m here to help manage this place! That’s my job. It’s a huge opportunity. You know what’s crazier? I don’t give a shit. An opportunity like this comes calling and i feel absolutely nothing. I’m numb to it. I just don’t care. A horse kicked out towards me today, not far from my head and i felt nothing. Not even a spurt of adrenaline. That isn’t normal but I am trying to get help. I know that i’m not right.

I’m with a wonderful and caring family who don’t have to deal with my shit but they support me fully. I couldn’t ask for better support on this journey i’m going through. They make exceptions and allow me the time and moments to process and also get therapy during work hours. I’m in the one place i absolutely NEED to be right now, but it’s not where i want to be. I want to be in Europe, wandering and be off the grid. I just wish i appreciated what i have fully. I keep asking myself, why? Why me? Why do i get this chance, support and help when so many others don’t? Why do i deserve this? I don’t feel like i do. I don’t think i’m a good person.

I don’t post this for comments or reactions. I post it purely to encourage you guys who are putting off getting help to try to get it. Don’t let yourself reach only two choices, get help way before then. Mental health is serious and most of us ignore it. Handling it yourself gets you so far, but you never truly handle it. I see that now. You bury it until it becomes too much. That’s what i did. Now i’m facing one of the hardest challenges of my life - a want to be better.

Please don’t put yourself in the same position i’m in.