This is me being truely honest. I cant say the words out loud so thats why I put them here. I dont want to live anymore, but I dont want to die. Everything feels too much. I over think the smallest things, little words stick to me and weigh me down like an anvil. One minute I'm fine and having a good time, the next I'm contemplating all my actions. I push people away, I close myself off. I can't show weakness, people can't know.

No one can know what I'm truely dealing with because what if they think badly of me? I know everyone needs help, but saying I'm suicidal, how will they react? I don't deserve anyone's help. I really like the character Catra from Netflix's She-ra bc of this line: "We all know I dont matter."

I miss Tess, I feel fake around everyone here. With her I truly felt like I could be myself. I dont trust people here not to leave me if I say what I'm really thinking. If I open up with my thoughts, will I be rejected? Will they help? Will they over react and lock me away for "my own good?"

People can be so naive, missing the small things. Its the little things that matter, yet they cant read body language or mannerisms. I can't ask for help directly. What would I say? Hey sorry it's hard to focus on my job, someone didn't make eye contact with me and now I'm curious if I'll feel warm or cold when I cut my wrists.

I need a new job, but I can't quit. Not without another job. But I'm fucking suicidal, how do I "sell" myself when I think all people and life are pointless? No1 wants me. No1 needs me. Im just alone. If i disappeared, they only people who would notice are the ones i have an obligation to. But they wont care.

Saying this words to myself, i know they arent true. But i still truly believe it. How can i let anyone in now? How do i turn around. Im in a pit, one without ledges or rope. Just failing deeper, and im pushing myself there until I cant see the light anymore.

I pushed them away and am actively ignoring and avoiding my family. Do they really know what its like with what im going through. People say the words all the time, but they dont know shit.

I dont want to live, but I dont want to die. I dont want to die. But what else is there?

"And no one can ever hurt me like I've hurt myself. 'Cause I'm made out of stone and I'm beyond help. Don't give your heart to me." - Half a Man by Dean Lewis

My thoughts are daggers that drive into my back. Many days, I'll have a good day. Work will be as expected, but I'll have good conversations, funny coworkers, and ill get what i want done which feels good. However, once I am alone. The thought comes in. It starts with one, just one to roll down the hill can cause the avalanche to bury me. "Why are you happy? You dont deserve it." "You failed today and everyone blames you." "They saw the dirt on your shirt, they know you're a disgusting slob." And the worst one... "they aren't your friend. They all just take pity on you, no one really cares about you. Not even yourself."

I fantasize about causing a massive car crash by speeding really fast and losing control. Will that save me?