I've struggled with romantic relationships since I can remember. This is mainly because I have a disability (FAS or fetal alcohol syndrome, along with mild ADHD/ADD) that makes dating incredibly difficult. I realize that I'm going to need support for the rest of my life (paying bills, being reminded to do things if I get distracted, driving places because I don't have my license). This is one of the reasons I'm scared of letting someone in.

Another reason I’m scared of someone tearing down my proverbial walls is that I'm black. I read multiple articles about black women and Asian men being considered the “least desirable race to date.” To say my self-esteem and self-confidence have taken a significant hit would be the understatement of the year. I'm reminded of that every time I message someone that I click with. I know some people that genuinely like and date black women, but they’re usually celebrities or people I see on Reddit or Instagram. Despite the negative feedback I've gotten from people, I chose to date outside of my race.

The third reason I'm nervous about opening up my heart to someone is because of my gender identity. I'm attracted to straight, pansexual men and straight trans men. I’m also straight, and I identify as non-binary and transmasculine (planning on coming out on June 1st! Quite nervous yet excited!). I feel more comfortable wearing baggy clothing. So, no, I will not wear a dress! Period. 😂 Not all of my clothes are baggy, though. I love athletic wear, especially leggings in the spring and sweatpants in the fall and winter. I tend to wear long basketball shorts during the summer. If I had a hundred dollars for every time, someone called me “sir,” I’d be filthy rich!!! 😂 By the way, my pronouns are she/her/hers (still playing around with they/them/theirs). I also respond to dude/bro/bruh. 😁

The fourth and final reason I'm terrified of letting my guard down is that I was sexually assaulted when I was 17, 21, and 26. As a result, I made a personal choice to keep my virginity. I want to be in love with someone and be able to trust that person before we mutually decide to have sex. The range of responses when I've mentioned this to potential suitors has gone from “I’m so sorry that you went through that! No one deserves to have that happen to them” to “Oh wow! What was that like?!? 😁 (yes, some idiot said that to me, smiley face and all. 🤦🏾) I’ve only told the details of what happened to my parents and one ex-boyfriend, as it's something that I never discuss with strangers. No, I'm not “damaged” or “broken.”

*I was nervous about posting so much of my personal information on here, but I felt that my future husband, wherever he/they is/are, deserves to know the truth about who I am.*