Excuse the formatting, as I’m posting on my phone.

To start with the conclusion, my apologies to you all. While one part of me claims this is just a hobby and that I shouldn’t particularly care, another part of me feels rather responsible to communicate to everyone who considers themselves a fan my situation in life. Not just purely for PR reasons and to make promises, but also to accommodate the idea that a culture has formed around my name. As the creator, it becomes irresponsible for me to simply abandon ship without any talk at all. Major or minor, it’s not my intention to inflict stress on any of you.

For me, though, hobbies are not something that really works. From a psychological standpoint, I have an illness known as “cyclothymia”, a minor form of bipolar disorder. The way it manifests is, as expected, a cyclic rotation between mania and hypomania, with the core difference from BPD-1 being a lack of problematic impulsivity. Overall, this still comes with a core issue for hobbies:

While I might be very involved and happy to do something while on a mood upswing, I cannot even hold onto that feeling for very long before my psyche decides to simply no longer care. No matter how hard I try to hold on to motivation and my feelings of happiness, it slips between my fingers like grains of sand.

My life is a tragedy wherein no matter how well I paint the picture of my life, color will always fade until I’m left with nothing but an empty shell of a memory; void and colorless.

This isn’t meant to be a trauma dump, so much as an explanation for my inactivity — I just simply cannot and do not care anymore, no matter how much I wish to. While I could reasonably force myself to perform, it becomes too painful for me to even direct my attention towards it.

I would love to love it again, but I don’t want to end up hating it.

I still keep an eye on scripts, and should fate will it, one might reignite that spark. Better yet, perhaps the river of my whim and whimsy will drag me towards the joy of this again, and one day I’ll be able to dock my little raft against the banks and stabilize enough to really want to create content.

Until then, though? I can only muster every last drop of determination I have to just stay afloat and wait.

Should fate will it, I will see you again.

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Translated via ChatGPT, so there will be some inaccuracy:

抱歉格式可能有些混乱，因为我是用手机发布的。

首先说结论，我向你们所有人道歉。虽然有一部分人认为这只是一种爱好，而我不必特别在意，但另一部分人却认为我有责任向所有认为自己是我的粉丝的人传达我的生活状况。这不仅仅是出于公关原因和做出承诺的需要，而且还要顾及到以我的名字为核心形成的文化。作为创作者，如果我不进行任何交流就简单地放弃，这将是不负责任的行为。无论是主要的还是次要的，我都不想给你们带来压力。

对我来说，爱好不是很有用的东西。从心理学的角度来看，我患有一种名为“cyclothymia”的疾病。它表现为周期性的躁狂和亢奋状态，与BPD-1的核心区别在于缺乏问题性的冲动行为。总体来说，这仍然存在一个关键问题：

当我在情绪高涨的时候非常投入和快乐做某件事情时，我不能持续很长时间，因为我的心理状态会决定不再在意。无论我如何努力保持动力和快乐的感觉，它就像沙粒一样从我的手指间溜走，把我所获得的任何感情和喜悦都撒得四散无比，失去了任何意义的附着和快感。

我的生活就像是一场喜剧，无论我把自己的生活描述得多么完美，颜色总会逐渐褪去，直到我只剩下一个空壳子，一段空洞而无色的记忆。虽然有些人可能会说我是多面的，但对我来说，我只是一位被诅咒永远无法完成一幅画的画家，祈祷自己永远不会用尽颜料。

我并不是想把这里变成一种心理创伤的吐槽场，只是想解释一下我为什么这么不活跃 - - 我只是无法再关心和在意，无论我有多么希望。虽然我可以强迫自己表演，但是对我来说，甚至将注意力集中在它上面都会让我感到痛苦，更不用说享受它了。

我很想再次享受表演的乐趣，但我不想最终变得讨厌它。

我仍然会关注剧本，如果命运允许，可能会重新点燃那份激情。更好的是，也许我的心血来潮和琐事琐事的河流会把我拖向这种乐趣，总有一天我会能够将我的小筏靠岸并稳定下来，真正想要创造内容。

在那之前呢？我只能尽最后一滴决心维持漂浮并等待。

如果命运允许，我会再见到你们。

顺便说一下，我的中国粉丝鼓励我开始学习中文...也许没有人真正知道，但我是半个中国人，应该至少接受我的文化遗产。虽然我完全没有用中文长大 :( 但这需要我相当长的时间来学习。