As I was checking my DMs this morning, I was greeted by the latest photo of male genitalia that seem to be filling my in-box more each day, accompanied by an equally crude sexual invitation. Apparently none of the senders have read my posts.

Anyway, that unappreciated imagery sort of dovetails into a subject I have been pondering for months.

When do I dare to go out into "the world" in full feminine dress?

As I've mentioned previously, I am cursed to never undergo HRT due to a pituitary gland that no longer works properly after two surgeries. I have to take testosterone to stay alive, which negates the possibility of ever taking estrogen. The result is I'm doomed to balding and facial hair the rest of my days. And I will never feel the euphoria I hear other trans women exult about after starting HRT.

That leaves me in a weird limbo, a purgatory in which I still have to lumber around in this male skin while feeling every bit a woman. I'm left to achieve my womanliness via clothing and makeup. To an outsider, I may appear to be a crossdresser. But in reality, it's not a fetish. It is the outwardly presentation of the woman inside of me.

When I began my transition, I couldn't wear the clothing I most wanted due to my size. Other the months, I have lost 20% of my body weight, so far, and continue downward. The result is now I can buy and wear the fashionable clothes I imagined wearing and yearned for all of these years. It has been one of the most affirming aspects of my transition.

But thus far, I have only "dolled up" at home and in the presence of a trans woman friend. The looming question is: When do I dare take to the streets and present myself as a woman publicly?

This answer to this question both scares and excites me. The thought of strolling down a street in Ann Arbor in a skirt and heels, thrills me to no end. But that is counter-balanced by the reactions I expect to get from passerbys.

I can handle the curious looks. What about the comments, uttered so softly that I can't hear them clearly, but I know are directed at me? What if the comments are said loudly and carry the sting of hate and bigotry that we all know is part of the zeitgeist? Do I respond?

And what if I get hit on by cis males? When fully dressed and made-up properly, I am not bad looking at all (for my age). I can forsee a horny guy making the same suggestive remarks that I get in my DMs everyday. Even if I shut him down, will that stop him? What if he puts his hands on me?

You may think I am being paranoid, but I am basing these fears on actual experiences by other trans women I know.

I was talking with one recently, who recounted how she felt when men started "cornering" her in attempts to pick her up. She had been on HRT for about a year, and previous to that time, she had never been treated that way. Now, fully feminized in public, she was the object of male objectification. Affirming, in a way, but potentially dangerous as well.

[I should add that not long after, she was raped by a man.]

Stories such as this one terrify me. Too many cis men can't understand that trepidation. But they never have had to experience the inherent dangers accompanying MTF transition. They either identify trans women as easy sex toys meant to fulfill their sexual fantasies, or they hate us for even daring to exist. We somehow offend their sensitivities or stated morals. And some of them carry that offensive into hatred. Woe to the trans woman who meets a cis man filled with such hate.

So, while I celebrate my transition and can barely conceal the excitement of my first outing in feminine dress, I do it looking over my shoulder all the while and with pepper spray in my purse.