It is so releasing to finally write those words.

It has taken me a lifetime to get to this point; a journey that began before many of you were born.

I have two people: the man seen by outsiders who only reacted to what they saw. A beard, a deep voice, a penis. Perception is everything and even now, I can't blame them for judging this book by its cover.

But then there has been the woman inside me; who was always drawn to stereotypically feminine clothes and playthings and sexual desires forbidden by the cultural beliefs of society of the era. I learned to suppress that part of myself, for self-preservation, out of fear of condemnation and possibly worse.

I pushed the envelope as I approached adulthood, growing my hair near the full-length of my back and wearing clothes made up of satin and silk. Luckily, most observers of the time attributed my looks to my attempt to fit in with the rock bands I hung around with. Little did any of them realize I had more in common with Freddie Mercury than the way I dressed.

I did all I could to fit into the role the world had cast for me. I dated women and married and fathered children. All things a proper man was expected to do. Inside, though, I was dying. Bit by bit, diminished until there seemed to be nothing left of me. Alone in a darkness with no escape and nobody to talk with about it.

Thankfully, times have changed. And others "like me" bravely outed themselves and began living their true selves. Trans people began being accepted, if not by the entire world, but by open-minded, loving people who could see beyond the outwardly.

I gingerly began to seek out other trans people. But most of my contact has come online, mostly impersonal if kind and encouraging. I took the huge step of contacting a transwoman sex worker in a desperate attempt to connect with someone else like me.

It took a few attempts, as, ironically, the sex got in the way of discussion. But eventually I came across a SW who was willing to talk with me, as a person and not just a paying client. Our meetings became more like intimate therapy sessions, with her openly answering my often awkward, clumsily-expressed questions. She was (and is) so kind and patient. And little-by-little, I felt more comfortable. More like the person hidden inside me. More myself.

Yesterday, for the first time, I fully dressed in women's clothing. I am still a pre-everything transwoman, not a crossdresser or someone who dons the clothes as a fetish. I felt feminine. Completely, absolutely. And we made love as I've dreamed of my entire life.

I hope I haven't bored you with details of my life and my journey so far. In may ways, I have just started and I can't wait to see what is to come. My wish in sharing this is to reach out to others who are hesitant to start on their own path. Don't wait, don't ever quit. A better life is possible.

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