I'm just starting on a journey that took me a lifetime to begin.

I have always been a woman, but outwardly the world saw a man. Due to circumstances dictated by others, it was a situation I couldn't reconcile. If I revealed my true self, I would alienate just about everyone around me. But to continue to conceal myself has been an ongoing ache that is consuming my soul. It was and is a struggle I'm sure just about everyone here can related to.

After a lifetime of such pain and with the help of others, I have begun making my first tentative steps toward embracing my feminine self fully. Letting the world see what I have hidden all these years.

My reality is that I am mature, over 50, overweight and balding. I look like anything but a woman.

I an trying to confront this realization logically. I know I can't physically become a woman overnight. And it will be a long process before doctors would even consider prescribing me HRT. So, I stand on the cusp between the man everyone sees and the woman I wish to be.

Luckily, I live in the Detroit area (Ann Arbor, specifically) and locally there is a highly-regarded store named Janet's Closet that caters to clothing for crossdressers and trans people.

My plan is visit Janet's quite soon, to at least get some makeup and fashion tips, to buy a nice wig, and perhaps some flattering clothing. Making me look feminine will take quite a bit of work, IMO, but hopefully the women at Janet's can help me on my way.

I have to lose weight, not out of shame, but to fit into the outfits I desire and have lusted over on Janet's website. I could fit in some now, but I want to expand my options, so I've got about 20 pounds to go.

But this leads to a question that preoccupies me. It is a question that underlies my transition and my very being.

I want to be treated as the woman I know I am and that includes sexually. I am not a virgin by any means. I am very experienced with both cis and trans women. Moreover, I enjoy all aspects of oral and anal sex. But I want more than that. I want to be made love to as a woman, to feel a lover treating me as a man treats a woman in bed.

So, I ask you, the trans community. When will that happen for me? I presume it takes more than a wig, makeup and sexy lingerie--or does it?

If I am not yet on HRT, am I considered a crossdresser even though every fiber of my being screams to me that I am a woman?

I am ready now to feel a man's touch, to take his penis and to respond as a woman. But will that only come if I am fully transitioned?

Please, be kind in your responses. I think about these questions every day and they will inform how I proceed.

Thank you all for reading this.