...and not just in the sense that I want to let people know I haven't dissapeared. Bonus points if you get the reference by the end. Head's up: long rambling post, as mine are wont to be.

I'm writing a script, and the writing of that script actually made me feel compelled to write a little PSA regarding a particular topic I think deserves a little attention. Today, we are talking about unicorns and unicorn hunters. While we're at it, let's talk a little about the differences between porn and reality, which is at the core of a lot of sexual problems these days.

In broad strokes, the cluster of scripts I'm working on is going to involve a couple taking on the role of Dom, and picking up one sub partner to join their fun. Dom/sub hookup is just GWA 101, but adding an established relationship to the mix changes some specific components in a way that never really hit me before, and had me doing a little homework.

If you don't know, "unicorn," is a term used by swingers for a bisexual person, usually a woman, who is interested in being part of a threesome with a married couple without much in the way of emotional connection. There isn't exactly a standardized name for the non-female equivalent, with options ranging from puppy dog (fun but not hard to get), to pegasus. One person said their group referred to them as minotaurs, which is awesome, but for the sake of this post, we are going to talk about unicorns as a unisex term.

This seems to be a kind of divisive word. For my part, I think unicorn is a great name, as folks it fits are rare, beautiful, and magical to those looking for them. They just deserve to get treated as such in terms of how they are catered to, and that is the problem.

I've never had a threesome (I've always wanted to, but want doesn't get), so I am not pretending to be an expert, but I can imagine it is actually sort of challenging to really do right. Everybody needs to get the attention they deserve, and it seems like it would be hard enough to accomplish this in a situation where all three people are already sharing a connection that, in this scenario, the third doesn't have. Communication is of paramount importance, and any kinks involved need to be understood and shared in advance. You can't assume the new member that has just joined the party is going to just roll with your dynamic. You can't just expect to DPS while they tank and heal.

As with most of these situations, the problem when it comes to writing this sort of content is that people sitting down and talking about their likes, dislikes, and what they hope to experience, isn't sexy. Actually, real talk, I think that is super sexy, as nothing gets me going more than hearing a partner tell me what makes them hot and bothered, and figuring out how to provide it. I'm going to stop salivating now and carry on. What the communication phase does not do is jump to the raw sensory experience that a lot of people are looking for in their porn.

This brings us to a thing I think we all know intellectually, but some people are prone to forgetting in the heat of the moment, which I call pornoverse rules. The pornoverse follows its own set if basic laws that do not necessarily apply to real world situations. In the pornoverse, every pizza delivery person is hot and ready to accept alternate tips. Anybody you walk in on masturbating will immediately invite you to take over. And of course, you don't need to communicate, because your partner(s) are already, by default, into any and every depraved thing you like, unless what you like is them not being into it, which is a whole thing I've blathered about before.

I suspect that the problem with unicorn hunters is that the notion of pornoverse rules sort of naturally doubles down. It's an exciting and novel sexy-time situation that is most often relegated to fantasy, and you are sharing it with one partner you already know and don't follow pornoverse rules with. With no emotional history with partner three, it makes your partner, "real," and the unicorn an exciting prop. It is especially easy to look at it as a thing you are doing with your partner - the new person being the, "thing."

Don't be that couple (unless said unicorn has specifically requested that sort of treatment in the communication phase because we all like what we like). Even if, and I hope this isn't the case, your default is not to treat your sexual partners with respect, dignity, and personhood outside of agreed upon exempted times, look at it from an economics perspective. There are a hell of a lot more hunters out there than there are unicorns. I don't care if you think you're hot shit; you are not the rarified commodity in this scenario.

The thing I am writing, because this is porn, mostly obeys pornoverse laws, and while I usually try to at least shorthand the importance of everybody involved caring at least a little about everybody else enjoying themselves, certain elements get skipped because porn. For this particular subject, I just sort of felt like acknowledging that the skipped stuff is extra important in real life. This is just your friendly neighborhood porn-orc (in the pornoverse, at any rate) reminding you that, should you find yourself in a situation with your partner and somebody new, that they aren't just there for you. That isn't porn.