fuck it i dont have anywhere else to talk about these things, and talking directly to a person about my problems always eats me up inside, so id rather put this here than anywhere else. doesnt rlly matter tho cuz ill prolly just delete this later.

but things are just getting worse atm. to the point where im genuinely considering suicide as a better option than just chugging through it like i usually do.

my eating disorder(s) are just getting worse. i have no self control. ill have periods where i either waste all of my money on junk food and eat as a source of comfort (even though it brings none), or ill eat nothing for days and be absolutely miserable. my longest is 3 days, which just feels like nothing compared to what i could (should) be doing. every time i think about eating i go into a panic attack and just end up eating anyway from getting myself high just to stop myself from having a fucking panic attack in the first place.

doesnt help that i also kinda have to satisfy this guy by starving myself, and i cant even do that right. not only that but he also wants me to make vids and take pics for him n whatever, which is fucking hard when all he does is berate me for my weight and make me feel absolutely worthless. which is literally what we (technically) agreed upon when we started chatting. i wanted him to encourage my ed and degrade me and stuff, and i do enjoy it, just not all the time, yk? and i did tell him several weeks ago that i needed some affection here and there otherwise it just feels cruel, and he agreed at the time, but i havent seen that change. The closest i get to ever receiving any semblance of affection or kindness from him is when i do something he asked of me and he says good job or something like that. at this point my entire mood depends on how he treats me that day. and I KNOW i could just talk to him about it, and how its affected me, but ive done that so many times previously that i just dont bother anymore, cuz i dont wanna seem annoying or sensitive or bratty. i dont wanna risk him not listening or caring or just being sick of it. and now its just got me second guessing whether i even deserve any sort of affection, especially from him. i dont even know if he jerks off to the shit i send to him. he shows little to no sign of real satisfaction unless i do the ABSOLUTE MOST for him. i dont think he finds me attractive in the slightest. so why does he even stick around at all?? and as bad as he makes me feel about myself, im so terrified of him leaving or finding someone better, someone who will do everything he wants me to do, someone with a better body. i really think he just sticks around because we have so much in common sexually, and maybe thats hard to find considering how brutal some of them are. but idfk. maybe its just all a front. but i feel like he wouldve clarified it by now if he really didnt feel so strongly against me as i think he does. but i also know that hes also (apparently) decently desirable from stories hes told me abt his interactions w women online in the past (and fairly recently) (which ive only told him to stop doing recently bcs it makes me feel like shit when he does), so why??? why stick around someone you think is disgusting and still ask them to do sexual things for you???? is it the control that he has over me or something? fufujdjdjdhdhshs idk. i feel like if i asked id just sound stupid. like a broken record.

i look at myself in the mirror from my face to my body and i dont think i deserve to be loved. and why would i? the first guy that (i thought) genuinely loved me and everything that i hated about myself broke it off after not even two weeks for his own personal reasons or whatever the fuck. and the guy that hates me and berates me and made me cut his name into my leg and uses me for what he could turn me in to has stuck around for about 4 months now. SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK??????????????

i just feel so cripplingly lonely. and i have for the entire year. its barely gotten any better. my "relationship" with that guy was the ONE break that i got from all of it. and the fact that it literally CAN get worse and i KNOW it can is just so fucking frustrating and horrifying at the same time.

but why am i even talking about this on HERE of all places? everyone here is only here for my body and what i could do for them, directly or indirectly. and ive definitely been enjoying it, and i know its what i agreed to when i started posting on this account, but dammit my libido is being fucking destroyed every other day. i dont know how to keep up. why does this have to be the only fucking place i can fucking yap about this shit.

i just want someone to love. i was eating so much better when i was in that relationship, i didnt feel the need to over-eat or under-eat, i felt like i could look forward to each day. why do good things never last forever. im so sick of this. everything is so painful. i really would rather be dead than have to go through this for another year of my life. and another. and another. why am i such an emotional hopeless retarded fat fucking pig.

as bad as everything is atm, i have been able to get my feelings out a bit and distract myself thru animation. which i may or may not post here. we'll see. i havent animated (frame-by-frame) in so long, it's been so freeing and satisfying. but what happens when i get art block? what happens when things get so bad that i cant even bring myself to pick up a pencil?? ill probably just go back to cutting reguarly again, but that just causes more problems for me. so what do i do. UUUFFHFHFHHGGG

the only other thing ive been able to think of to "help" is hooking up, to bring some excitement into my life and maybe feel a little less lonely, at least for a little bit, but im too much of a pussy and im so scared that everything that could go wrong, would go wrong.

anyways. whatever. ill end this on a good note. i reconnected with my friend recently. we spent some time together and have been talking much more frequently than we used to and plan to hang out again soon. i really love them a lot, so that made me pretty happy. they did kinda yap for 8 hours straight and interrupted me most times i tried to speak, but i was able to learn a lot about them in that time and the things that theyve been going through that i didnt know previously, so i guess im pretty glad about that. just sucks knowing ill never be able to yap like that because im such a pushover 💀 i get so shaky and feel so bad when i even remotely yap for like an entire minute lmao. id prolly drop dead if i was able to yap to someone for even an hour LOL. text is the only way i could ever do that. cant get talked over through text.

ok byebye ty for reading if ya did 🐒 have a good day