i dont rly have anywhere else to talk abt this stuff sooo yeah. im not looking for sympathy or anything like that. js gotta get it out. n js a warning this might contain some dark stuff, so maybe dont read if thats not ur thing. or js dont even bother reading at all 💀 theres a lot of text here lmao. its just me spieling about personal shit so it might get boring. cant get more personal than showing your pussy off to strangers on reddit, though. but ill probably delete this later. we'll see.

first of all. im sorry to anyone i "ghosted". its not something i did intentionally. i havent really been talking to anyone lately, not even close friends, so its not personal. idk why, i just havent rly felt the urge to talk. in other words, i havent actually hooked up w anyone yet lmao. still a virgin loser lol

second. a day or two before i posted that "hook up" post i got broken up with. the relationship only lasted like 12 days LOL, but he was such a great guy and i loved every second i got to spend with him, he made me so happy. but it is what it is. im still devastated over it, and ive never felt this way about anyone ever, and it's probably ruined my ability to trust anyone romantically ever again, but fuck it, it is what it is right??????? UUUGGGGGHHHfuck anyways, because of that, since then my libido has been absolutely shot. i still masturbate from time to time ofc, but its not the same as it was before. i dont crave the dick in the vag typa stuff so much as i used to.

smoking weed definitely helped me feel better about everything thats been going on, it made my problems seem small and stupid, something that i dont need to worry about, but i ran out of fucking weed and my tolerance has gone wayy up because ive been smoking so much.

hmmm another thing. i cut myself last night for the first time in like a month or two, maybe longer but idk. just cat scratches. never rlly gone deeper than that anyway. but it still stung like a bitch 💀 esp when i was laying down to go to sleep. feels better now tho, so whatever. only issue is i cant wear my shorts as high up as i usually do, which sucks bcs its already getting hotter over here.

i havent had much to do lately. i dont have money atm to go out n do anything, i dont have anyone to spend time with (they would just say no or say theyre busy so i dont rly bother anymore), andd blah blah blah. it feels like im missing such a big chunk out of my life, one that i really need. which is obviously a relationship, platonic or not. just someone to spend time with doing things we both like, or just talking, or whatever.

ive been playing a lot of gta v lately, which has been a lot of fun. but its the only thing i do atm. other than smoking weed and watching youtube n shit like that. everything feels so hollow and empty right now. like everything is just static and i have nothing to look forward to. i feel like a zombie.

maybe ill try reach out to my friend to see if they wanna spend time together. im probably overthinking it and the worst theyll do is just delay us hanging out by a few days. but idk.

there's a 50/50 chance right now that within a month i'll either slip back into a vegetable nightmare state where i accumulate a pile of rubbish in my room, go back to watching anime, rarely masturbate, cut myself every other day, never shower or leave my room, staining my pillows with my own tears, eating a bunch of junk food every day, and try to kms with a much higher success rate this time around. or ill be fine and continue the routine i have rn, improving my life and relationships, and doing the things that i love doing.

either way. it is what it is.

hopefully everything will go back to normal and i can finally go thru w the whole hookup stuff. would be cool.

thats all. idrc if anyone actually reads this or not but if u did read it then im sorry LOL 💀 byeeee ;P