I’m 28 years old and I to this day have not had a flesh and blood cock inside of me since the last time my own biological father had sex with me. It was the first time I ever went “all the way” with anyone, and it truly changed me fundamentally so much so that still all these years later, I never had sex with any other man other than him. I’ve been with other women / queer people exclusively this whole time (I’be been dating my ftm boyfriend for almost 4 years now) so my experience has largely been with others with genitalia similar to my own. Despite this, the fantasies and craving I have for cock sometimes keep me up at night. It all felt so natural with my dad that when it happened, and then it happened again, and again, and again— so many times that over time he confessed to me he couldn’t keep the appearance up in his real life anymore, he had to outright leave my life entirely. It was truly one of the most painful relationships and “breakups” I think I’ll have ever gone through.

Ever since the first time we had sex together it was like he practically carved a space inside of my soul with his cock, I was his creation, his own, and he was claiming me in the most primal way there was. How could I go back to anything after that? I spent so many years trying not to let the memories take me under— but as the years go on it’s almost like I only get more and more awakened, it’s unbelievably unfair how hard keeping these sorts of relationships up is in reality, it really puts more strain on a relationship with your family member. (in this case, I am completely permanently left with 1000 daddy issues….and fantasizing about plenty of other taboo things on the regular lol)

Most of all it leaves your mind hopelessly spiraling, since I never got to experience what it feels like to have my dad finish inside of me… he never could bring himself to do it, and despite knowing in retrospect he was doing it to protect me (and himself lol) it killed me every time to feel like I didn’t deserve to feel his seed pumping inside of me, I always hoped he would and I’ve been very envious at having missed out on that feeling— despite the very stark and obvious risks and the fact that I really should be grateful that he spared me that… but I can’t help my desires. I can’t help but miss him… I still have never felt what it’s like to be filled with cum.

It’s horrible and I feel so ashamed for thinking this, but I really am disgustingly turned on by the thought of him or anyone else in my family somehow finding out I make this kinda content, despite how equally awful the thought is too… how outfight shameful it would be to be seen like this. But god how much I wish he would find me, and reach out to me after all these years. I just don’t know that I would have the self control to not give in to him (or anyone in my family for that matter) if they were to either blackmail me for the content I make online, or to proposition a relationship or sexcapade with each other... I just wanna make my family happy 😵‍💫 not only that, but I find myself putting myself in so many compromising situations that could leave me with this choice taken from me…and another sick part of me seems to crave that sometimes, too