My (25F) TF (33M) was the light of my life at one point. I met him at the age of 17 and I knew. He never tried to make moves on me at that time. He was like 24/25. But one day I knew that he knew who I was to him because after a few years of not seeing him, he took my best friend’s phone and FaceTimed me.

The rose colored glasses were so strong. But then he got married and has two children. We go to the same church. Every time I pass him it’s a dagger in my heart. When I see them together I get sick to my stomach. I have thoughts like pregnancy looks so beautiful on her but then overwhelming sadness comes over me. I’m the Sunday school teacher at my church, and I feel like I haven’t done right by his children. I don’t run to hold them like the other children. He had two weddings (which is common in my culture). They live in a beautiful house. Sometimes I just get so angry. How could he feel protective and provide for another woman? And give her children? I was ready to all of that and lay down my life for our journey.

The day, no HOUR, he proposed I told myself, “I need to prepare myself for him to marry her” and literally 5 minutes after that thought, I see him on Snapchat announcing their engagement. The day before I had a strong premonition come over me from a previous dream I’ve had about him and his karmic. I had to sit down and even my father noticed that something came over me.

Sometimes I find myself being nice and cordial but it’s gotten to the point where I will clearly not smile at him or look away. I have dreams of my crying about him or dreams about him in general. I feel stupid sometimes because I’ve told my friends. I feel stupid because they see him with another woman and probably think I’m crazy; but also because I feel like oversharing ruined things.

Often I just want to lay in the grass and cry. Some days I just feel extra sad. I feel like I have lost my smile. It’s just not fair. I know I didn’t make all of this up. I don’t just strongly feel about men like how I have about him. I mean everything checks out with him. He’s just my type, beautiful smile; the male version of me, in terms of character; hes successful, a go getter, etc. he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and more. I mean he even has the last name I’ve always wanted (my mom’s last name) like what the HELL is that about???

I just want to forget about him and this pain. I can’t control the dreams or thoughts. I’m just so tired and I want to be the perfect teacher to his children. I want to be able to be his friend but it’s just so damn hard.

No one understands, so I can’t talk about it to anyone