Then I realized I thought about pushing them away about 100 times, when they didn't actually do anything wrong - I was just in a hell hole of emotions.

A hell hole which they didn't hesitate to help pull me out of. I used to not even believe in TFs, but I don't know how else to account for how/when we met, our synchronicities and our chemistry. I proactively took charge of my own healing, and they literally chose me in a room full of people. If not for those choices we never would have met.

Recently, we admitted we cared for each other in an overdue talk (I chose not to bring up TF stuff though). It made me feel relief. There's no more angst or unhealthy limerence.

The biggest L I've taken on this journey so far is learning the hard way not to bottle up my emotions. My abandonment issues were acting up for so long that I'm still trying to re-learn object permanence and adjust to the sense of security.