Back when I was in high school and pre T, I would have mental breakdowns about the possibility of never getting to go on hormones and get top surgery. I would stop breathing and become hysterical. At some point I convinced myself that all the transition stuff didn’t actually exist and I was being lied to in order to prevent me from killing myself. I did try to commit before I started T because of this.

Eventually I was able to get treatment and now Im reaching my 2 year mark on testosterone and my 9th month post top.

Because of my experience and being a suicide survivor, the current state of politics and political talk around transition restrictions have me severely mixed. I can’t agree on one side entirely. Especially since the most common response to why minors (16-17) shouldn’t get medical treatment is because they can just wait it out. It comes across as a complete lack of empathy and understanding of how severe some of us experience dysphoria as a minor. I used to have panic attacks at just the idea of these laws passing and now some are. I can only imagine what is going through some teenagers minds.

If I didn’t get testosterone at the age I did it would be very unlikely I would’ve made it to 18. Hell, even if I succeeded in my suicidal attempt and forced to live, I wouldn’t have made it to even get testosterone when I did.

If any of you are in a similar situation, I get it. I completely do. This is a pain that no one else can understand. But there’s nothing that can be done except raising awareness of how serious these suicide threats are. It doesn’t help that some actual transphobic people are saying that we should kill ourselves or that because some of us do it past transition it means we shouldn’t get it at all.

There are minors who are in critical condition because of their dysphoria and will absolutely kill themselves because of it. This shouldn’t be taken lightly.