I was a very solitary child. A latchkey kid raised by a single mother. Now, my mother wasn't terrible by any means. I love my mother and I think she's a great person. But in many ways she goofed with me...which is normal.

A few things were big parts of my childhood that I don't think I can rationalize putting a child through, but, I also think they are what I would instinctively gravitate toward or be completely unable to avoid:

• Having a child while poor

Realistically, the chances of a very poor person becoming even close to middle class is less than 5%. The American Dream is a damned farce, you know? I came up shitty dirty poor and I really cannot put a kid through that. Why? I'm still shitty dirty poor and I'm a year from being thirty. How was my childhood coming up poor as fuck? Clothes that don't fit or were my brother's hand me downs, a lack of school supplies at all times, thrift store Mom Jeans while everyone else was stylin', clothes on Layaway that never came off Layaway, shoes falling apart, etc. These are things I went through personally. I hated every minute of it. Though I vowed even as a preteen to never become a parent, I swore that if I ever changed my mind (Hey, it could happen! No shame in that on this end) I wouldn't bring a baby into this world without at least being some semblance of middle class. I had too many birthdays and Christmases where I didn't get anything at all and not to mention never quite knowing where the next meal was going to come from. Sucky when your friends and age-equal cousins are getting showered with gifts at all times and kinda rubbing it in your face.

• Physical discipline

Yeah, I was the "Get the switch/Take some licks" kid. There's a huge divide on people who consider it necessary and those who considered it abuse. I go back and forth. However, I'm starting to lean heavily toward the It's Abuse/Doesn't actually help side of things. What did being physically disciplined do for me? Did it teach me character? No. Did it teach me not to do wrong? not really. It taught me how to avoid getting beaten again. It didn't make me anymore honest. Now that I think back on it I certainly don't feel as if I was abused...but then I think about having a child and know that I'd be torn between wanting to never hit my child and also not having ANY idea on how to alternatively discipline them without raising a "Little Emperor". But it just seems so freaking weird to hit a tiny human for goofing.

• Gender training

One thing I like about my best friend who has a daughter is that she's much more lax about forcing gender roles onto her. There's still dresses and pants and feminine things, but she also gets her toy tool sets and dinosaurs. I think it's awesome. However...she's still being socialized as a little girl from her father. And her school. And I can admit that if I had a little girl I wouldn't know how to shove down her throat that she's a little girl at all times. Now, I'd love to raise little hypothetical girl or boy to be whatever they want to be, but if I dont condition them someone else will. And in this society: how not to mess them up? I know I'd be the parent to never deny my son a skirt or princess dress or my daughter a pair of overalls or stompin boots but...you see what I'm saying? How to navigate that? How can I raise a son or daughter without even accidentally stamping BOY or GIRL on their metaphorical foreheads?

• Divorce, boyfriends, social life

One thing that stands out as fucked up about my childhood (in ways I dont fault my mother) are the string of stepdads, 'uncles' and boyfriends. I didn't know my real dad all that well. I met him a few times and frankly I dont fucking like the guy. But the earliest father figure I remember is "Raymond". I thought he was my real father for certain. He came around in a time I dont remember when I was two years old and was with us until I was six. He doted on me, but was a drunk and an abuser. So we left and moved. After that? Another father figure, Chris . He was awesome and he and my mom were great together until they split up after a few years. He was gone when I was nine. After that things got bad. Boyfriends who'd give me gifts to get in my mom's good graces and then would take them away after a few weeks when they fought or broke up. Guys too young for my mother creeping on me from 10-14, etc. One man who pushed me down the stairs in a rage. None of this is to blame on my mother. She just wanted companionship and had a bad case of 'NeedAManitis', though independent as hell. And the last boyfriend from when I still lived with my mother in my teen years was only three years older than my (grown) brother and was definitely an abuser. He dragged us out to Los Angeles and caused me to fail my junior year. He had a nervous breakdown and turned out to be very physically abusive to the both of us. He was the last straw and I moved out at the tender age of 17. Oh and though my mother is allowed to have a life outside of her children, I resented her frequent trips around the States where I'd be left alone or with my cousin for weeks at a time. It left me very insular and untrusting. Bad things happened while she was gone at the hands of others...

• But you have to be like -Me-.

I'm Feminist, Atheist, etc. All that good stuff. What if my child turns out to want to be anti-feminist, hyper Catholic, etc? What about that? They have to be their own person and I respect the fact that I wouldnt be breeding to raise a clone but preparing a proto-human to grow into their own person. Again, I admit not knowing how to handle a hypothetical situation where my values clash with the child I am raising. I know my mother had this problem. She has faith, she never did quite gel with my 'Counterculture' tendencies (life long to boot) and admittedly? I was just a strange kid and an even stranger teen. I know I must have driven her up the wall blasting Industrial music at eight years old (she got a big bag of CDs from hippies at a yard sale and gave it to me. Hello, NIN, Tool, Coil, Bauhaus, etc!) and she was used to Patti Labelle, Prince, Steely Dan and Luther Vandross. Surely, I was supposed to stick to En Vogue, Brittany Spears (still love them), SWV, and all that stuff my other very normal cousins were listening to. So basically, I would have no idea how to respect a person I am raising being into things I'd normally turn my nose up at. Live and let live, sure. But I cannot imagine a son being a Bro or something. Shudder. Sounds petty on the surface, but really think about it. You're a Feminist and thanks to your child's surroundings your son becomes a little misogynist or something. As someone who put my mom through that no-doubt bewildering shit that caused a lot of drama? Whoa.

So yeah. Anyone else?