For some context I was groomed and sexually assaulted (raped) when I was 13-14 and when my family found out it was a bit of a shit show. My depression got worse and I tried to kms.

When I was 14 I was sent to wilderness. I went to Wingate wilderness therapy. It wasn’t as bad as some other ones but there were still moments where it was very very toxic. For instance I have a whole lot of medical issues with my knees and my blood pressure. I passed out more than once and was still forced to hike, and though my knee hurt so badly I thought I was dying, I had to hike or I wouldn’t get food. We got to send letters once a week and we got them once a week. Parent visit was nice, because I hadn’t seen my mum or dad in a very long time. After I left I suffered from odd spouts of anxiety about not being able to start a fire and going hungry.

After this I was sent to discovery ranch for girls. Now that place was abusive as all hell. You weren’t allowed to talk to anyone without someone listening, which was lonely. You got punished for the smallest things, and treated like trash. The only good thing that came out of it was my cow angus. I had friends there and I tried to reach out but I never got a response back, but that’s ok. If you’re reading this tho, this is poof poof. There was a transgender male there and they refused to use his pronouns. Like constantly misgendering. The reason I was pulled was because a therapist took me to the horse Inclosure and made me watch him decapitate two birds. Not only that but he touched me inappropriately more than once. He was only my therapist for a week because my other one was on Holliday. My first therapist there was very verbally abusive towards me and my mother, pushing the blame of everything onto me. I was called a whore for what happened to me, told that I was asking for it, that if I believed in god it might be different. All sorts of things that made my ptsd worse. I still have dreams of that bird struggling, thank god my mum pulled me.

The next place I went to was diamond ranch academy. The first thing I have to say is this place, has given me nightmares that to this day make me wake up in a cold sweat. The staff there to put it simply didn’t and don’t care. I was treated so so badly. I was told that being gay was a mental illness and that transgenders should all be killed. I’m gender fluid and omg that really freaked me out, so I was closeted as closeted can be. If you self harmed you were punished with a week of detention. Morning and night time detention. This entails exercise twice a day that’s so so intense you puke, it was so intense I passed out. And writing a bullshit assignment. If you say you feel suicidal or like self harm, detention, if you say you feel like running, detention. You got punished for being anything but perfect. I was sexually assaulted by another girl there and I tried to ask for help but they told me I was lying and I got 7 full days of detention. I GOT IT. I felt so disgusting, I still do. One of the staff is from a town near by, my mum moved there to be closer to me. When I visit my mum I’m terrified of seeing her. I’m scared to this day of all thease things. I was bullied relentlessly. No one cared. I was told my ptsd wasn’t real, I was told that people who are raped deserve it because it’s gods punishment. I was told that all my issues were because i am gay. I was verbally abused by the staff on many occasions. I got detention for stupid things like talking about my ex girlfriend because ‘I was pushing gayness down peoples throat’. I was told I was bipolar. Now I have been properly diagnosed with ptsd, and within that ocd and pmdd (pre menstrual depressive disorder) I was abused, to put it lightly. Brain washed into thinking it was all my fault, that my mothers abuse was love.

I’m sorry if you have experienced this too.