when i get really horny, i get insatiable desire for skin contact. like jerking 0ff just wont do it anymore; porn doesnt arouse me, too. wanting to act on it immediately, because i lose focus when im that horny, i would 0ffer to pay.

im not on any dating apps. tried G app and it didnt last a day -- just not for me. so i go to reddit and post on subs. i used to just imply it, using words like "treat" or "spoil," but just recently, i blatantly used the word "pay" to look for someone who'd do it with (and for) me.

just this last sunday, i had two encounters. i received several messages after i posted. first one was meh. we did not do what we agreed we would. i always set e*pectations before meet ups by discussing the dos and don'ts. it was a total letdown. but i still honored my word and paid him, more than what i think he deserved. i was still horny after. so i entertained another message and it proceeded to a meet up. second was good. i was so horny that i tried bottoming (we're both tops) but was unsuccessful. i couldnt derive pleasure from it and it was just his dick's head. no further thrusts. im really a top. the guy was okay but he's not used to sucking. but overall okay.

ive been jerking 0ff since then. still really horny. and when the post nut clarity hits, i hate myse|f for having to come to that point: paying someone for a short-term pleasure. i know i can get it for free. im confident that i look decent enough to engage se*ually without paying. but im really impatient when im horny. i pay for convenience. hanap, usap, deal. spas are too transactional for me, and im a fool for convincing myse|f that paying random strangers is less 0f being transactional. lmao

i still dont want to use dating/hook up apps. yet i want to do things immediately when im horny. se* work is work but i wish i could stop myse|f from 0ffering to pay just to quench my thirst. many 0f these previous partners were not even se* workers. theyre random strangers who happen to be horny, too, and what harm it could to them if they engage with me: theyre horny, and they get paid for it. i feel and i know that in these encounters (or perhaps transactions), im on the losing side.

i swear im pleasing enough to still get it done with someone without payment. but my tendencies have become so familiar that i resort to doing them when i feel very very horny. i wish i could learn how to stop such an urge. kasi it makes me feel, at times, devalued. but i know i have no one else to blame but myse|f.