Come, sweet fellows. Come one and all. Come and listen to the story of how OP learned to stop worrying and love the brain damage. It somehow got way bigger than expected. I lost over half of this to a phone SNAFU so weird changes in style are to be expected. Mildly licentious and LGBT themes are present throughout. I’ve done my best to depict things as neither braggadocios nor crass, but reader discretion is advised as always.

First, a bit of background. This event took place on New Year�s Eve 2022. This has evolved into something of a ritual by now. My sibling, their partner, myself and some friends take MDMA to ring in the new years and see where things go. We were - as always - running off tested material. Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty alike. I initially thought about using initials but it got obnoxious really fast as this isn't the 90s any more.

I arrive in the early evening. Assembled are

Sasha: My sibling. Hosting this time around. Eli: Their partner. Vera: Semi-established. Maria: Newcomer Devon: Regular Asher: Yours truly. Regular.

Sasha and Devon are both veterans of the RC golden age. Their technological background and libertine sentiment has made them cross paths with all types of substances over the years. Vera and Maria are mostly drug-naive. Vera used to be heavily into weed and whiskey before coming to the decision that it was negatively affecting her life and is therefore highly careful about substances. Maria is your typical “smokes along when it's offered, had awful coke once” type of college girl. Eli used to not be into drugs at all before meeting my sibling and thus has quite some catching up to do. Yours truly is sort of smack-dab in the middle of things, having done more “real” drugs in relation to RCs albeit presently being all but sober for several months. Overall this means that half the group has few or no experiences with MDMA at the present moment.

The evening begins with something of, if not a bombshell, then a pinprick to the soap bubble of our excitement -- Devon has gone on SSRIs and will be unable to partake in the evening's main event. Usually I have a solution for this (an edible hippy speedball taught to me by various shady but knowledgeable people) but our time frame is too narrow and he seems determined to leave, so we don't press him on the issue and instead divert the conversation onto other matters while Vera and I go for a smoke and I ask how much she thinks would make sense for her. We end up settling on a 95/45/30mg split because she wanted to “really feel it” and came down rather quickly off the last dosage she took. I get a sense of mixed excitement and worry from her and hope I advised her the right way.

Back inside, Sasha has served everyone a Virgin Mojito and waves me over, showing me for the first time the material we’ll be working with tonight. I’m stunned. Rather than the usual waxy crystals Sasha presents me with a substance the colour and texture of dark brown sugar. Apparently it tested positive for for MD(M)A with no other active ingredients or dyes, so while taken aback I quickly get Vera and myself scaled out, each one of the dosages going inside a paper towel which goes into a shot-glass which in turn goes onto a labelled piece of paper.

This process naturally attracts Maria's attention and she comes over to quizz us on our amounts, if we're taking it now and a myriad of other inquiries tumbling out of her all at once. It seems she had quite the absurd amount of brews compared to my two beers and Vera's single glass of wine which has whipped her normally phlegmatic temperament into a frenetic fever pitch that the others don't quite consider themselves on board with.

I raise my hand and twirl it once, deflecting the first question by explaining that it's not about our amounts — It's about hers, followed by naming 100-115mg as a good common dosage.

She contemplates, tugging on a maroon lock of hair while trying to read our expressions. "Is it bad if I take more?"

I give Sasha my best long-suffering stare, earning annoyed confusion in response. I know just how much they don't like my theatrics and I'm entirely banking on that.

"Ah,but that’s entirely up to how much the host is willing to part with! "

I grin at Sasha.

They frown.

Maria's gaze darts between the two of us.

"She's the guest — As long as I got the stuff you got the access".

I give Maria my best smile and through some back and forth we settle on a total of 165mg for after explaining that 280mg would be far too much for someone her size.

Eli carries in two of icy-cold bottles of carbonated lemon water and after Sasha has their respective dosages scaled out they stand up and direct us to take our packages into our left hand, allowing Eli to fill the vacated glasses with the sparkling liquid.

"Welcome and thank you all". They let their smile rest on Eli for a bit until the other answers with a playfully impatient glare (making Maria suppress a giggle) then looks at each of us in turn.

"I believe some of you may be familiar with tonight's guest of honour".

They hold up their parachute.

"Others are meeting her the first time".

Vera fidgets and looks pleadingly to Eli, who gives her a "we got this" smile. Maria's spinning on her chair clearly excited to get it on with and Devon's apparently resolved to leave, his unusual sense of decorum keeping him around until now.

"Put it on your tongue, then wash it down. It'll take a little to come on so take that time to get a little more acquainted and finish your drinks. On that subject, I ask you give yourself a little time to get acquainted with our guest on its own and take a breather from the brews".

They wait for us to nod then continue.

"With all that being said: Welcome once again, thank you, and to a happy new year".

T: 0:10 After bidding farewell to Devon the group fragments a little. Maria tries to Shanghai Eli into a somewhat prying tangent on their intimate preferences, only to be interrupted by Sasha requesting her to help in cleaning up the space. Vera and I reflexively offer our aid but Sasha waves us no. In consequence we retire to the balcony for a spliff, Vera's rising apprehension thankfully calmed by the herb and an opportunity to talk about some of her interests in seclusion.

T: 0:25

The others join us. Maria seems a fair bit more clear-headed and a little embarrassed, eyeing the pallet of beer beside the door longingly before remembering her pledge. [I have no idea how Sasha wrangles them so well, that dork] More smokeables make the round and Eli deliberately seeks out conversation with everyone at last.

T: 0:45

The two newcomers and I are already starting to feel the come up. Vera's drumming a nervous rhythm onto the floor while we talk, Maria is smiling ear to ear and rubbing her thighs, mouthing along silently to the music. I call them over and realize that eye tremors are making it hard to read. Had we attempted to scale out our redose now it'd almost definitely lead to at least one mishap. We each get our dosages in, followed about 10-15 minutes later by Sasha and Eli. We switch the music away from A Capella covers and onto EDM, something only Sasha and I tend to appreciate sober.

I give them a look, and a brief instant of Queer Sibling Telepathy passes between us.

Me:

<Everything alright?>

Them: <Yes> Me: <Did I overstep anywhere?> Them <It's A-ok>

T: 1:15

Vera, Maria and I are holding each other's hands watching the big screen in rapt attention. Something is building. Both in the melody and within. The redose is coming and coming and coming faster and faster and faster and then—

The beat drops. We dive for cover. The world goes white.

T: 1:40 I feel a stirring behind me. What's "me"? What's " feel?" "I" think about it for a while, slowly realising that there's senses to help with those questions. It appears that I'm laying down. In front of me is someone. Behind me is someone. I finally remember to see, rather than look, my brain needing to be reminded how to process my eye's signals.

Maria is looking up and backwards at me, smiling from where I'm apparently spooning her.

I reach out and, shockingly, manage to briefly link.

Her <Wow…> Me: <Yep> Her <How are we doing this?> Me <Drugs>

She nods, and I plant a peck on her temple, causing her to giggle.

Behind us Vera has pushed herself onto her elbows and surveyed the situation, bending down to kiss first her then me in turn. In the moment it just seems like the most natural thing in the world, done out of a love far grander and universal than baseline romantic attraction.

As we get up the room seems criss-crossed by veins of pulsating gold linking each one of us together. Eli sits on Sasha's lap facing them, both having their eyes closed only to simultaneously open them and look in our direction as we get up.

[Yes in retrospect that was as creepy as you might think but in the moment it was just sort of hilarious. Couples are just like that sometimes]

The next hour is spent dancing, hugging, kissing and complimenting each other, everyone gradually becoming more adventurous and harmonised as ethanol recedes in favour of amphetamine.

Feeling a sudden desire to cool off and give Vera and Maria some time to reassess I excuse myself from our three person group hug (suppressing my over-amped brain's urge to make it into a scene of tearful departure without return, good Lord am I high right now) and after initiating our final redose take the stairs down.

T 2:43 The icy solace of the winter backstreet peels away the blanket of security that's laid itself across my mind.

I know I must keep moving. Experience. Gorge myself on sensation to replace the net I just severed.

The moment round the corner I'm greeted with revellers who seem to have just been waiting for me to join them. Dozens of glances seem to overlap and focus on me. Usually that sort of (real or imagined) attention would make me unbearably paranoid, but I'm brimming with the love of a thousand saints and the joy of a million retrievers so instead I beam at the people around me and confidently make my way into a nearby park. Inside I'm quickly joined by a group dancing to Brazilian fusion music, pantomiming my well wishes to a chorus of approving nods and hollers.

A man slightly taller than me probes at my personal space with a muttered "S'cuse me" and a hand running down my back as he passes me and I answer with a wide-eyed smile and a purred "Hmmm, yes?", holding out my hand which he grabs and places firmly on his waist.

It's right then that I peak yet again, and my hands dig in for both sensation and support. My companion seems quite pleased by the development and we divert a little away from the group, letting up from each other for a little to get a bit more intellectually acquainted, which gives me the breathing space required to reassess where I am and where I'll need to be before long. Responsibility and baseline caution war with raw desire. I feel good. Really good. Every cell in my body hums with a need to get close and personal with my new friend, consequences be damned.

Just as I'm about to sink into another embrace my phone goes off with a string of all-caps expletives flashing on the screen sent by… me, apparently. It appears that right as I was leaving the house some part of me anticipated I'd get lost and set an alarm urging me to get back before midnight.

"Your friends?" I shake my head despite the lie being so easy. "Not quite, but I do have to get back to them. I'm honestly so happy I found you tonight you really made it special". I stand on tippy toes and kiss the side of his neck. He nods, understanding. "Same, Asher. Same. This…" he indicates the two of us. "They don't need to know, yes?" He squeezes my backside and I give him a look of playful indignation and take off.

T:3:17 I make it back to the whole crowd having been whipped into a frenetic state of tumultuous euphoria, with even Eli and Maria twirling around and laughing with each other. I make eye contact with Maria and she runs into my arms with an overjoyed yelp, a brief look at Sasha confirming my departure wasn't taken the wrong way.

T: 3:25

It's a minute to midnight. Everyone's crowding onto the balcony. We look into each other's eyes as we count down the seconds. Smiles and excitement envelop us, shielding us better from the air than our clothes.

“Ten!” “Nine!” “Eight!” “Seven!” “Six!” “FIVE!” “FOUR!” “THREEEE!” “TWO!” “O-AAAAAAAAHHH!!!”

Maria and I spontaneously grab each other’s shoulder’s and scream our lungs out facing each other, the fireworks both outside and within making it the only good and right thing to do.

T: 3:29

It’s back to the mat as the high mellows out quite a bit. We’re still giggly and happy and oh-so-comfortable within our own bodies, but the stimulant qualities have receded in favour of an overall sense of contentment. Maria mutters and shimmies about in front of me and - concerned - I ask what might be the issue, mind stretching out to try and get a read on her issue.

She: <Not very bright huh> She scowls at my confusion. Me: <Apparently not. Explain> She worms her way a little lower so rather than her waist my hands resting further up.

I curse my idiocy and quietly hum in appreciation. I guess she’s right. I’m just a little bit too high for this, and not exactly the smartest sober either. I press her against me as Vera presses against my back, and we slowly descend back to earth in that manner.

T: 4:15

Vera takes me back to her place in order to give the other three a little more space and we enjoy not being alone as we make our way into the morning of January first together.

T: 9:00

After a breakfast consisting of electrolyte powder and vitamins Eli, Sasha, Vera & I visit the hotsprings as is our custom now. The warm water and salts ease the hangover, dissolving it into nothingness as we talk over the previous night, making sure any misunderstandings or grievances are sorted out to lay the groundwork for a pleasant repeat of it next year.

Addendum & Closing thoughts. I apologize if certain details were either too sparse or too elaborate. Looking back I realize much of the primary (as opposed to indirect) drug effect descriptions were somewhat threadbare but it seemed pertinent to explain it more via the impact they had on the people involved.

It is my understanding that our material had a statistically significant amount of MDA admixture, with our dosing protocol likely to increase the amount of serum MDA as well. Speaking of said protocol, the dosing is designed specifically for the sake of creating a “couch lock” effect because it helps bring everyone onto the same page energy-wise once they come back from it.

Brain zaps were present for a couple days afterwards. Overall I’d rate this experience a on the Shulgin scale.

Thank you for reading. One Love.