I hate this disorder, I posted this on r/trichster

I just hate this disorder. I got the best luck because I have trichotillomania and trichophagia so I pull and eat my hair out. My mom said it started after I had to travel alone to another state to vist my dad and had a traumatic vist I wont go into details because it would take too long, or maybe due to my molestation around the same time, I'm not really sure. Basically now I eat and pluck my hair from everywhere from ages 9-23. I've been bullied and teased by everyone i know. My ex boyfriend and his friend both would make jokes about how nasty it is and even my ex boyfriend friend made me go crazy and she drove me to self harm when I wasn't in a mentally well phase due to the bullying , hard to explain without sounding like I'm crazy. But bullying has been all throughout my life school and at home my mom would yell at me to stop or get upset saying that the pulling would hurt her and maybe not on purpose but made me feel guilty. I even remember when I was still relatively religious and made to go to chruch she would hit my hands if she saw me pulling or scratching which only made it worse. Now I feel like I can never stop. Tonight I had some hair like a cm tall and I just finished shaving all my hair because I couldn't stop plucking and eating it and feel Nasty like I've always been told I am. Now I just laugh at the jokes and accept that I'll always be disgusting and nasty because of this disorder and probably never find any friends or anyone who don't bully me or find me disgusting due to it unless they have the disorder themselves. My mom says she never thinks I'll stop and have my old beautiful hair back and I dont care. Tbh I hope I get a trichobezor and it kills me . I feel like I would know if its serious I've been having stomach issues. But I lost my job and I'm too poor to do anything about it so is my family. I wonder if anyone else has trichophagia? Have you ever had to go to the hospital for it or you just dont care like me/cant afford it? How do you cope with the constant bullying . Atleast I'm good at makeup that's probably the only possible postive I can see from this disorder.