Tw: sexual content, rape.

I got pregnant when I was 26, got married by 27. Bought a house by 28. Was living the "American dream". One night, when my daughter was about 7 months old, during a super stressful time where sex was the last thing on my mind, my ex husband started having sex with my sleeping body. I regained consciousness to him inside me, towards the end of things. We spoke about it the following day, and being that we hadn't been intimate in a while, it was new and intriguing. Soon though, it became the only means that my husband and I were intimate. It was almost as if he'd stopped pursuing me during the day, only to take what he needed at night. Finally after about 6 months of this,, told him I had had enough. It was starting to get weird and I missed being able to consciously participate. It didn't stop. It kept happening. Over. And over and over. Finally, I got filed for divorce. When I told him my reasoning, he told me I was the one initiating this "sleep sex" . This was preposterous to me, as I have shared a bed with other partners in the past, without this being an issue. And I informed him, even if I was doing this in my sleep, I told him I do not want to have sex after I have said goodnight for the evening. It was a back and forth argument where he insited our sleep sex wasn't rape. In my mind it always was. Our divorce was pretty traumatic, he made it his life's mission to make mine miserable.

Fast forward 3 years, we've been officially divorced for about 2 years now. He moved on with a new girlfriend and has been pretty amicable which is nice. Co-parenting with a narcissist is difficult, but not impossible.

I started a new relationship recently. A wonderful wonderful man. He is respectful and supportive. Literally a dream come true. He spends the nights on weekends my daughter is at her father's.

This morning, he informed me that last night in bed, I tried to stick my hand down his pants and was inviting him to play with me. I have ZERO recollection of this. Thankfully, when we were talking about past relationships, the reasoning for my divorce was discussed. I asked him if by any strange possibility, I tried initiating things with him in my sleep, to please not pursue it. And to push me off. He did. Nothing happened, we both apparently went back to sleep.

This news hit me like a freight train. My ex-husband was right. I was starting things. I have been disgusted with myself all day. Im having a really really hard time not feeling like a total monster. IM what I hated. I feel terrible.

I knew sexsomnia was a thing. But I just didn't think I was the one who had it.

This situation is super unique, as most articles posted are about a man, as it effects mostly men.

Any advice or guidance or anythjng would be appreciated.

I feel like this really set me back.