I’m had a horribly traumatic childhood. Drug-addicted parents, parents that lied and made promises they couldn’t keep.

My Grandma (primary caretaker at age 5 ) said that when I would come home from visiting my mother, I would thrash around and scream, ‘NO!’ Over and over again and all my grandma could do was hold me, sing to me and rock me.

I don’t know the age but I witnessed my father raping my mother, next to me, in the bed we were all laying in. I can still hear the thumps of her head hitting the wall. Her asking me for help and my dad telling me to shut up and look away.

Never having a stable home. Never staying in school for a long period of time. Witnessed both parents being arrested and riding in the back of a police car.

Age 9, was molested by my cousin.

Molested at age 15.

The list goes on.

I’ve been doing therapy for years. I’ve talked about these things. I feel nothing when I talk about them. But I’m very clearly still affected by them.

I’ve tried to get into counseling now but there aren’t many counselors that take state insurance or if they do, they don’t have openings.

I want to try healing but I don’t know what to do. I listen to like sound frequencies on YouTube, singing bowls, journaling doesn’t help. I don’t know what to do. Any tips or advice would be appreciated!