Hello, first off thanks for reading and advice that you have. Please bear with me this will be long and if you do decide to read, please read it all. If you skip go to DATING. I am really struggling right now, and this is hard to say and open up about. I have been treated very poorly my whole life by 95%. Which has resulted in trust issues, social anxiety. It has also really resulted in low self-esteem and low confidence in associating with women and impacted dating.

I am in constant pain and misery every day. I am so lonely. I hurt and live in such darkness most days, with that and the stress of family and my job. I tend to drink about 8 beers every Friday and Saturday. I rarely drink during the week. There are days that I feel like I have lost the desire to live. I drive above the speed limit hoping to crash into a tree and the pain would just end. I am NOT suicidal, I could never do that to my loved ones. I struggle with bad anxiety and probable depression.

I have seen a therapist before and it didn’t really help, she just wanted to medicate me, she thinks I got a lot of repressed anger and pain. But did nothing but offer anti-depressants.

History – I was bullied by just about everyone growing up (small school, 56 kids in class). They would pick on me for any absolute reason. Most people would go out of their way to. Others would pretend to be my friend or take my side until they would find out something about me then publicly advertise it to as many people as possible to make fun of me. Others would perform tasks then blame my for it. One time a kid pinched a girls butt then blamed it on me. I was constantly put down and ridiculed for anything and everything you could think of. God forbid when someone found out I had a crush on a girl because that got way blown up. I learned to bottle everything up fast and not show my try feelings. I have gotten really good at putting on a fake smile. I only had 2 really good friends that I could trust. All the other friends in the group would actively and go out of their way to exclude me (everyone did except those 2). I once got invited to a party was told me meet at a location and they left me there for over an hour before I just went home. So needless to say, it really affected my social and courting development, which has lead to much social anxiety today. Being closed off to everyone with tons of walls up. Also feeding major trust issues. I cannot pick up on any body language, hints go over my head. I also lack the ability to engage with women that I am interested in, engage in conversation. It just gets awkward.

Relationships – I have never had a real girlfriend. It makes meeting girls very difficult once they hear that I have never had a real relationship past a few dates they see it as a major red flag. I get it if he cannot maintain a real relationship. But they don’t ever ask or know my history. It is too much to explain that early in the relationship. This is one of the things that weighs on me the most. Because I so deeply crave human connection and the desire to be loved. I keep my group very small, and I know my friends/family love me but its not in the one way that I need it. I truly desire someone special. I want that person that I want to call 5 minutes after they get off of work just to hear their voice and ask them about their day. I want connection and intimacy, to be able to hold them close and curl up on the couch and watch a film. I want to be able to be there for them and take care of them in every way possible. I want someone that I can open up to and bare my soul to I can tell them about my bad days and my horrible emotions when I have them and not have them used as a weapon. I recently went home for my brothers wedding and my sister-in-law has been saying for like 2 years “How are you still single, you are such a good guy you do house chores when on vacation without being asked. I go out of my way to take care of people with out expecting anything in return that I am such a compassionate and caring guy.” She told me if she had single friends that she would try to hook us up. But she only had one that bailed on the wedding. Her other 2 friends that came to visit, told me the same thing and just showered me with compliments along the same lines as her. They also said if they had single friends they would try as well. Additionally, a girl I just matched with on a dating app said the same thing.

With my family and friends, I am just unable to open up about any of this and it is crushing me. Its not that family won’t listen its that it would hurt them that I am in so much pain and there is nothing that they could do to help me. It would destroy them. For my friends I am afraid they would look/treat me differently and give me sympathy. I hate sympathy, I want the people in my life to want me in their life because they like me as a person not because they feel bad for me. I am military have been for 15 years and I have just seen to much of that happen. I have seen the stigma about how men are not supposed to have feelings and be vulnerable. How they are belittled for what they feel. How that they are moved positions or jobs, where it is indirectly held against them. I have also witnessed it in the civilian sector. One thing about me is anyone can confide into me, and it does not change a thing for the way I view them. I am one of the few people that can actually do that. But shouldering everyone else problems on top of my own is really starting to weigh on me.

Dating – As mentioned I have never had a real girlfriend. I have a very hard time socializing especially with someone I am attracted to. I also have some serious trust issues because of the way I was treated as a kid, and from adultery in my family, with tons of military member. Something else that affects my trust is the way girls that you are chatting will say one thing example “they are interested” but then ghost you. Just be honest, that shit hurts. With all the lying it has caused real issues. I have been trying on and off for years. I used eharmony (spend hundreds), Match, okcupid, plenty of fish, tinder, bumble, zoosk, and hinge. The websites were used before the apps like 10 years ago. No luck for a long-term partner. I have only had 2 girls that I have ever had true feelings for and a few recent people on apps.

Girl A – When I was around 17, I fell hard for this girl she was about a year or so younger than me. We worked together at a fast-food restaurant. After talking for a while, we became pretty good friends and hung out a few times. On time she brought her younger sister and then her parents found out. She quit. Fast forward a few years. I am in the military, around 19 or 20. We manage to reconnect, and we talked for months. We talked about EVERYTHING, from roll out of bed to staying up late texting. So, I eventually go home on leave where we go on dates and hang out. I was madly in love with her. Even to this day part of me still does first love shit. It turns out she had a boyfriend and just wanted to cheat. I did not see it because 1 virgin at the time (wanted to give to her) and 2 I was so in love with her that I was blinded by everything. I wanted to marry her, have kids, grow old with here. I have never had a love as strong as that. It completely wrecked me, so much to the point that I swore off love for many years, just wanted to get laid. But lacked the skills.

Girl B – This girl was around a decade later. She was about 5 maybe 6 years younger than me. We go on a business trip. I start to spend time with her, and I fall fast. She seemed like one if the most compassionate and caring person that I ever met. She was kind and sweet. One of the first girls to treat me decently. Well as things progress, she starts playing hot and cold, stringing me along, major games. She would feign interest then ignore, back and forth. I was blinded by my feelings once again. So eventually after about 6 months I tell her how I feel. She says she not interested in a relationship yet. I get it. One of the things that I heavily said was how important trust was to me because of my past. I asked her if it was not for her just tell me so I can move on. She implied the opposite. Then a week later I find out she has a heavy crush on my best friend, and they start dating. This infuriated me and out relationship pretty much ended. Turns out she is the type of girl that bounces from guy-to-guy sleeps with them all, can’t be more than 2 weeks without a man. She gets validation and acceptance through sex and sexual energy which is why she was also stringing multiple guys along. I found all this out after the fact. Needless to say, it adds so much to my plate with work shit that I go see a counselor.

Girls from Recent - The first girl i matched with was messaging me pretty heavy, then we talked on the phone for 5 hours. There was a really good connection that she said multiple times and that she was really into me. we set a meet and go to bed. The next day she wakes up sick, I text her a few times to check on her. we go a few days and I text her again. She nevers ends up messaging or call me, completely ghosted me. The second girl ended up being a little unstable. She latched on very fast, got very nasty and violent after I told here it would not work. The last girl just ghosted me. we spent about a week texting. I ask her on a date and set it. she agreed and started calling me babe. As we text she finds out i want to be a gunsmith. She never responded, I waited to the day before the date, call with no answer, a few hours later i text, the text is still unread. she told me that communitcation was a stable for relationships. She didnot say it was not going to work. She said she does when she realizes its not for here in our inital talks. I just feel completely defeated, not deserving of love, like i am going to live my life sad and alone. I only message 1 person at a time, and for each of these girls i got excited for their texts, constantly looking at my phone waiting for messages.

I usually ask my brother for relationship advice. It came very naturally for him. One comment he made is that I have a tend to go from 0-100. I realized it was true because I have received very little genuine kindness from people and especially girls. One of my bad traits is that desire that genuinely good treatment and connections so bad when I get it, I latch on. Another bad trait is that I bottle everything up and take the weight of the world on too much. I am in constant pain and misery every day. I am so lonely. It has gotten to the point that I am pretty much numb to a lot of those feelings. But they are still there and somedays I feel like I am going to break down. Occasionally the bottle overfills, and I just start crying. I cannot talk to my family about it because it would destroy them. Also, my family is very dysfunctional and full of drama. I can’t deal with that.

Sexual experience – Problem is I don’t have any, and it really has impacted my confidence. If I can’t make a girl cum or give her a good time, then why come back. My entire sexual life has been maybe 10 partners and 12 times. All but one partners was one time. Mostly full-service massage with 2 maybe 3 escorts. The massage was just ride till done and the escorts were nothing special. The oral was lips wrapped around the tip, no suction, and they were like dead fish no effort. Once the post nut clarity hits, I was so disgusted with myself. The a few years dry spell and repeat. There was one girl that I met off of Zoosk that we hooked up twice. Each time she rode I got 2 to here 1 then she was done. And she kind of repulsed me (I was slumming). Another one I met off of bumble and she asked why I did not make a pass at her. I told her because sex is not the only thing that matters. She tells me that she is staying with her cousin and family. I can not visit them. Then she hints at me showing up that night (1.5hr drive 1 way) I was very confused. She starts sending me nudes. And says she also stays with her grandma that was an hour drive away. I wanted a empty house due to being self-conscious of my performance. She refused to drive. I also found out that she was receiving dick pics from multiple guys. Her idea of sex was no foreplay, oral, manual stimulation, nothing. Her words were “you show up, pull your pants down. I bend over pull up my dress. You do what you got to the we part ways.” That was not what I wanted so I passed. Now I am not one of those types that idolizes or puts girls on a pedistal I don’t follow and do anything just to get laid. It has also lead to me exploring online and developing some kinks.

Thank you for reading this novel, for your patience and understanding. Any advice on any part of this is welcome. DM’s are preferred.