I had a rough childhood and sexually broken, and it defo reflects in my trauma kinks and how turned on it gets me to relive them.

I shared a bed with my mother for most of my life, I didn’t have a father. She worked nights as a hospital nurse and would come home very late (almost morning) and on some weekends drunk. This wasn’t really an issue until I hit puberty. After that she saw me differently and had become more desperate I guess. Those nights turned more perverted over time, with her sleeping nude and grinding on me in my sleep. Eventually she stopped hiding it all together, just asking me to be quiet as she would grope me to get me hard and get on top of me. I felt like I couldn’t really say no and felt really conflicted about it all. All I knew was I wanted this to eventually stop and felt like I was too embarrassed to tell anyone.

It’s been over ten years since then. It kept going until she had a pregnancy scare as she didn’t think that was possible. I have since moved out and been able to live independently. I thought of going to the police but I hesitate to. The main issue is having to deal with this all, I feel ashamed to say it turns me on more than anything. It’s like my brain is broken and hardwired to enjoy that. Nor do I feel like it’s something I can get over, more like something I have to live with and manage. Which is by reliving that moment and still being obsessed by those kinks. I really feel like a degenerate being into having that done to me, but nothing else can make me feel as good. Nothing turns me on as much as my trauma unfortunately.