I’ve had a few people want to hear this story lately so I’m sharing it here for everyone. I had been raped several times. Starting off at a young age I was introduced to it as something that just happened. I didn’t know it was wrong until I was older. I think I was so used to it by then that I wasn’t super traumatized. It was more of an “oh well.” My abuser passed away shortly after I turned 18. I told myself that I was free and that no one would do that to me again. I told myself I shouldn’t be jaded towards the world. I had my trust issues but tried getting over them. I was damaged but not broken. Until I met him.

I was 18 and set on turning my life around. I was fresh into college when i met this guy in my university experience class. He was charming and funny and we just hit it off one day during a class debate about politics. We went to a basketball game one evening and we became really close friends. We were so close that even though he lived an hour away he’d come hangout with me a couple times a week. I viewed him as the brother I never had. He’d never made it seem like it was anything more. Fast forward a whole year later and we were best friends. We’d hang out at my apartment almost daily. We had other friends but none as close.

One Friday we are supposed to be going to a party. I wake up that morning feeling terrible. I text him around 3 pm that day as I’m not feeling any better just letting him know to go without me. I take some Benadryl and nyquill and am knocked out. I wake up around 6pm to him knocking on my door. I asked him what he wanted and he said the party. When I told him I’d texted him he said he hadn’t got it. He comes in and says he doesn’t want to waste the drive. I tell him he’s more than welcome to hangout and we can put a movie on but that I’ll probably fall asleep. He says we can just take a nap if I want and I agree. He’d never given me any reason not to trust him. We go into my bedroom and lay in the bed. We’re kinda cuddling because I was shivering and he offered. We end up in spooning position. I was in a white tank top and pink pajama shorts. He was in a T-shirt and sweats. I’m out of it within minutes.

I wake up a while later because he is groping my tits. I push his hand away. It comes back. I push it away again and it comes back. After the third time I sit up in bed and shove him. Here is where I’m a gullible naive girl. He “wakes up” and explains he’s sorry he just does that in his sleep. I believed him so I apologized for shoving him. I lay back down and the meds are kicking my ass and I just can’t stay awake. I’m asleep within seconds. I come to a while later and I’m thinking I’m having a dream. I feel very wet. As I open my eyes I’m looking at the head of my best friend in between my legs. I freak out on him and try to close my legs. “You wanted this. You were moaning in your sleep.” I tell him no. I try closing my legs again but he’s kneeling in between them. He hovers above me and smacks me so hard I see stars. He was big. He was 6’4 and strong. I’m 5’3 and was very vulnerable. I’m shocked. He starts to go back down. I’m trying to get away. He doesn’t like that so he punches my stomach. The wind is knocked out of me. I freeze.

He starts taking his boxers off. I didn’t even realize he’d lost his pants or shirt until that moment. I want to scream, I want to get away, but I just freeze. I lay motionless listening as he gets ready to rape me. He puts it in. It’s big. It burns as he shoves it all the way in. He’s too thick. We are in missionary. He tears my tank top. My tits are exposed. He sucks on them and pinches my nipples. He tells me how I’m a good girl who is taking it so well. He tells me he know I wanted it. He licks and kisses on my neck. I start to silently cry. Not only was I betrayed by my best friend, I was betrayed by my body. My mind knows I don’t want it but my body doesn’t. It reacts exactly as he wants. After some time he finishes inside of me. I’m ashamed to say that I got off twice during. I lay there. He lays back down. I drift off to sleep. The next morning I said nothing and took a shower. I acted as if nothing happened. We had breakfast together before he left. We spoke less and less after and when he graduated that semester we didn’t speak again.

I regret it at times. I wish we could’ve had more interactions. I’ve thought about reaching out to him again before but it’s just never happened. I think part of him felt a little guilty and so he didn’t want to see me. I could’ve been good. I could’ve survived the years of abuse and moved on. But having my best friend, the one person I trusted, rape me so causally just ruined me. It broke me. And now I’m a broken slut