I feel like my entire life was derailed by my mother's death when I was young and my father's resulting apathy and disinterest in raising me. He was always much more interested in his latest girlfriend, or killing himself with booze. On top of my other challenges in life (I'm autistic and disabled), I feel like I just never had a good baseline for a healthy human relationship or friendship. I've had a few relatively normal relationships and flirtations and talking periods and I lose interest so quickly that it makes me feel terrible. I get more excited reading a poorly written, filthy Reddit DM than a thoughtful, kind message on Hinge or Bumble. At least here, I feel that people are their true authentic selves, however vicious and wild that may be. I find it easier to understand and reckon with. Maybe I just feel like I deserve to hurt and serve others, that I don't deserve happiness for myself. I don't know.