There's too many times in my life where I get hypersexual for maybe a week at a time (hi ovulation) and I become absolutely feral. Porn, reddit, talking to so many people, gooning, humping things, toys, etc.. you get the gist. It's weird because those are also the times in my life where I need the most care; I don't take care of myself properly. Dehydrated, needs a shower and to brush my teeth, etc. But gooning absolutely takes over my brain in every corner. It's like I become a masturbation monster. You remember the hormone monsters in Big Mouth? Kinda like that.

But then, just as fast as it came on, it stops. I cycle back to "normal" and with "normal" comes guilt, shame, disdain for what I did over the hypersexual era. Clear history, switch profiles off the submissive ones, close tabs, end conversations that are all about sex. Then the people wonder who I am. It's like they're talking to a different version of me. I'm "not interested" like I was. I'm not as engaged anymore because they just want sex out of me (trust me I try other conversation but most times they disengage).

I can't really blame people. The shiny desperate whore is gone and now replaced with a seasoned sass master with a sharp tongue. It's just lonely. My cycles are hard for me to even deal with sometimes, I try not to put it so hard on others. Finding that one who can hold my hand through all of these phases seems impossible. Does anyone even understand the swings? If they do, will they be open to the mood I'm in today, tomorrow, the next day?

Sighs. Another think piece on trauma responses; I've just been journaling here. I hope y'all don't mind. It's helpful to put pen to paper so to speak.

Do you resonate?