Everything feels right in the world and it doesn't feel so heavy these days. I think the answer to most of what I seek is genuine connections. I had a few days this week spent with people who understand me in a kink sense and it was really nice feeling.

The days the pain gets bad and the depression takes over makes my head get worse because I can't actively have those connections. Long stretches spent alone make my mental health so terrible. Real kink connections from people who care about me and my wellbeing just hit right in a deeper way. I just have phases and mood disorders but I don't think that makes me a bad person; although I was treated as such in the past for it..

I get this feeling of being too much for most people. Some people are puddles compared to the Mariana trench of my psyche and I think I'm just fundamentally incompatible with those. Jealous, too. Some days I wish I was a puddle and I didn't have so many phases for others to accompany me through. I know it gets tiring objectively, also unfortunate for my codependency. Being a puddle seems so nice and easy.

Kink is such an intrinsic part of my life because my memories started that way. I don't feel normal unless I'm talking to or playing with several random people at once. I even switch pretty hard throughout the day with different connection dynamics. I feel so lost if I'm not microdosing sexuality throughout the day.

I guess I'll just keep collecting my kinky pals and see where things go lately. Having expectations is just disappointing but it's really nice when things evolve past base level. I'm grateful for those.